


October 4th

by PrinceSnoozy



Series: Persona 3 AU [1]
Category: Persona 3
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Control Issues, Dissociation, Drug Use, Grief/Mourning, Hallucinations, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Mistakes were made, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Probably some hickies, Shinji's having a bad time, So much angst, Spoilers, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy sexy times, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, tread lightly if you have a mental illness is what I'm saying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-19
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-06-09 06:28:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 32,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6893782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrinceSnoozy/pseuds/PrinceSnoozy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[SPOILERS]<br/>AU where Akihiko dies instead of Shinjiro on October 4th, focusing on the aftermath and its effects on Shinjiro's mental state, as well as the morale of SEES.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Tragedy

**Author's Note:**

> Isa was behind this. That's all there is to it. Blame him for what's about to happen here.

"Do it. I won't resist."

That definitely got the kid's attention, as Ken almost took a step back away from Shinjiro, his expression changing immediately from rage to something akin to shock. He almost lowered the spear he held mere centimeters from Shinjiro's chest, his grip trembling for a few moments. That hatred in his eyes didn't falter, however, something Shinjiro was definitely expecting and almost counting on. This would be over faster than he anticipated.

"It's the penalty for constantly running away from it," he continued, staring sternly down at Ken. "The reason I left my team, and why I suppressed myself with drugs. It was all because I wanted to forget."

His gaze shifted downward slightly, the pain in his chest shifting to something a bit more psychologically-based, as the memories once again pushed themselves into his thoughts. He pulled his hands out of his warm pockets and held them up near his chest palms up; they were shaking, and even more than normal.

"But it didn't work out," he continued, his voice lower, shaking just as much as his hands. "My body refuses to forget. I find myself here before I know it. Even though it's a spot I don't want to see."

"It won't do you any good to tell me that now!" Ken retorted, that fire and rage back into his eyes, his teeth bared.

 _Good_.

"Sure, I know," Shinjiro replied, calmly. "I'm not gonna make any excuses. It's something that I did."

_Something I still have nightmares about._

"I'll pay the price," he continued, closing his eyes briefly.

_The price I wasn't strong enough to pay on my own._

"But..." he said, opening his eyes to set them firmly on Ken's, using the last of his determination to say one more tidbit of advice. "There's just one thing I should warn you about."

"Warn me?" Ken spat back.

"If you--"

"SHINJI!"

_Shit._

Ken jumped slightly, causing him to withdraw his spear by a few inches. His eyes wide, he stared just beyond Shinjiro, in the direction of the voice that interrupted him. That familiar voice. Hesitant, Shinjiro turned his head slowly, just enough to look over his shoulder, never moving out of striking distance of Ken's spear. He couldn't see him too well, since the alley seemed almost darker than usual, but there was no mistaking that stupid red vest and the black gloves.

"Ken! Don't do this, won't bring your mom back!"

Shinjiro opened his mouth to speak, but Ken beat him to it.

"S-Stay out of this, Sanada-san!" he shouted, his voice almost squeaking.

"Like hell I'm staying out of this!" Akihiko shouted back, sprinting forward. He grabbed Ken's spear just below the three sharp heads, using his superior arm strength to force Ken backward a few steps. "Just what the hell do you think you're doing?! Both of you!"

Shinjiro took in a slow breath, fighting the urge to cough that suddenly rose in his chest. He watched silently as Ken struggled against the grip Akihiko had on his weapon, his tiny face still twisted with murderous intent. There was doubt in his eyes now, however, more than likely brought on by Akihiko's sudden appearance.

_Of course he'd show up right now. He's always had the worst timing._

"I could ask you the same thing, Aki," Shinjiro murmured.

"Too bad, I asked first!" Akihiko retorted, keeping his attention mostly on Ken. "Is this why you've both been acting so weird all month?! You two were _planning_ this?!"

"It's g-got nothing to do with you!" Ken yelled back.

"Of course it does!" Akihiko pushed forward a bit more, seeming to try to put as much distance between Shinjiro and Ken as possible. "We're all on the same team, Ken! So this has everything to do with me, and everyone else, too!"

Ken just glared harder, this time at Akihiko. He ripped the spear out of Akihiko's grip and pointed it at him this time, causing Akihiko to freeze momentarily. Ken panted, looking almost surprised that he got control of his own weapon back. Shinjiro stared at Akihiko almost suspiciously through the corner of his eyes, swallowing hard against the cough nagging at his throat.

"No, this has nothing to do with anyone else," Ken snarled, pushing the spear closer in a threat, causing Akihiko to take half a step back. "This is between me... him..." He pivoted a bit and pointed the spear back at Shinjiro, though he was markedly farther away this time. "...and Mom. So, you should leave before you get caught up in this, too."

_Too late for that._

"Just listen to the kid, Aki," Shinjiro spoke up, shoving his hands deep into his pockets. "Get out of here."

"No, okay," Akihiko replied, huffing as he spoke, "because you've both been trying to deal with this by yourselves and you _both_ need a different perspective on this."

Akihiko set his gaze on Shinjiro, and if it weren't for the urge to cough getting stronger at that moment, Shinjiro definitely would've retorted with something snarky or nasty, or just downright mean; whatever it took to get Akihiko out of here, though it most likely would've just riled him up more. It was never a simple thing to get Akihiko Sanada to back down from a challenge, especially one he was emotionally-invested in. Instead, Shinjiro just glared at Akihiko for a few moments, then turned his head slightly to stare at the concrete.

Akihiko then turned his attention on Ken, causing him to raise the spear at him defensively.

"Listen, Ken," Akihiko began, "I know you're angry, and you have every right to be. But what happened to your mother actually _was_ an accident, no matter how much you tell yourself it wasn't. It--"

"Don't give me that crap!" Ken screamed back at him. "I _know_ it wasn't an accident! I was _there_!"

"So was I, Ken. I saw everything, too, and there was nothing anyone could've done. That's the thing: it was my fault, and Mitsuru's fault as well..."

Shinjiro looked up slightly, hearing the tone change in Akihiko's voice; the same tone he used when talking about the fire, and about Miki. Akihiko, now staring at the ground, clenched his fists at his sides, the leather creaking. Ken, however, looked taken aback, and almost confused; hearing his idol say these things was surely going to throw him off.

_You're counting on that, aren't you, you idiot._

"We let him go out there to fight, knowing full well he didn't have enough control over his Persona..."

"Aki..." Shinjiro warned, only to be silenced by his own slight cough, and a disapproving stare from Akihiko.

"But," Akihiko continued, "you can take that anger inside of you, and you can do two things with it."

He brought his hands up just enough to stare at them, then clenched his fists together.

"The first thing you can do is aim to kill me, Shinji, and Mitsuru for negligently causing your mothers death, then..." He looked at Shinjiro then, briefly, before looking back at his own fists. "....then, be lost in guilt and agony the same way we are..."

"Don't mess with me!" Ken retorted, exasperated.

"Or..." Akihiko continued, ignoring Ken's protests. "You can use that anger to make yourself stronger, and fight the real enemies: the Shadows."

Shinjiro looked at Ken, and his face, his eyes shadowed by his hair as he stared down at the ground, his grip still firm on the drawn spear. Shinjiro let his face soften, and took a few steps forward, even as Akihiko kept talking.

"And also, fight so that what happened to your mother, and tons more innocent people, doesn't happen to anyone else..." Akihiko finally raised his head, staring down at Ken, his face sympathetic, but that determined and stern gleam in his eyes. "Now, which do you think your mother would be more proud of?"

Shinjiro stopped just beside Akihiko, well within range of the spear now. He stared down at Ken, both of them did, awaiting any response from the boy in question. His small hands were shaking, evidenced by the trembling of the spear. His teeth were clenched, too, and it was obvious from Akihiko's silence that he thought his words had an impact. They did, that much was apparent, but Shinjiro could see that Ken wasn't taking them to heart, but steeling himself against them, defying them.

_This was never going to work._

Shinjiro turned his head to Akihiko and started to speak again, but Ken interrupted him.

"Don't give me that," Ken growled, his grip on the spear steadying once again. "There's no way... I'm ever going to be as lost as any of you!"

"Ken--" Akihiko started, but he, too, was interrupted, this time by applause from a single set of hands.

Ken turned on his heel, withdrawing the spear completely, and Akihiko and Shinjiro both looked up to see a figure lurking in the alley's shadows. Shinjiro squinted a bit, but couldn't quite make out any details; his vision was a bit blurry around the edges for some reason, diffusing the figure into the dark.

"You're absolutely right," the figure said. "Of course you'll never end up like any of them, nor is it even necessary."

"Takaya!" Akihiko accused, automatically bracing his shoulders and arms, like he does when going into battle. "You failed, the others are fighting the Shadows right now and will have them destroyed in no time!"

"That's not my concern this time," Takaya replied. "Nor is it your concern to stop someone else's revenge. That's what he's about to do, you see: revenge. Since his mother was killed, it's alright for him to kill, too."

"You bastard," Shinjiro growled, squaring his own shoulders.

Something about Takaya's posture was bothering him; it was like his arm was bent at a weird angle, but his eyes wouldn't adjust to the darkness properly for him to see far enough and in enough detail.

"Either way," Takaya continued, "that one there is going to die, eventually, even if the boy doesn't get his revenge."

_Oh, goddammit._

Both Akihiko and Ken turned their stares on Shinjiro, although Akihiko's was brief, since he turned his attention and apparent frustration on Takaya.

"And just what do you know?!" he shouted, a tone Shinjiro recognized as a blatant bluff.

"Obviously more than you, since he didn't tell you." Shinjiro clenched his jaw as Takaya turned his attention to him. "Did you? I mean, it's been quite awhile since you started using drugs to suppress your Persona. You don't have much time in this world, not anymore."

"Shinji..."

Shinjiro felt Akihiko's eyes on him again, then a hand on his shoulder that squeezed it gently before letting go.

Ken's jaw dropped slightly, something Shinjiro noticed in his peripheral view while he kept a steady gaze on Takaya. Ken had let his spear down completely, holding it with one hand at his side, and walked toward Shinjiro a few steps, unthreatening; he seemed confused and almost desperate, almost like his resolve had vanished.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he accused. "Is it true? You're just gonna die on your own?"

Shinjiro didn't reply. He couldn't bring himself to.

"Even if... I don't do anything..."

He turned and stood the spear upright, using the leverage to lean his forehead against the shaft, staring unseeing with wide eyes at the ground.

"Ken," Akihiko said, taking a cautious step forward. "If your mom was here, right now, what would she want--"

"Aki."

Shinjiro caught up to Akihiko and put his arm in front of him to stop him in his tracks, motioning to Ken. Hunched over and shaking, Ken leaned into the spear more, tightening his grip with both hands, seemingly unaware of the three around him.

"How is that fair..." he muttered to himself, his voice breaking as sobs escaped his throat. "Then... what was I... doing all this time?"

"What actually brings on death probably doesn't matter," Takaya spoke up, the chipper tone in his voice turning Shinjiro's stomach sour. "Child, I'm not discerning the scent of living from you, either, though in a different way than him."

He chuckled a bit to himself, seeming to find his answer.

"After slaying him," he continued, "you were planning to die yourself, too, weren't you?"

Ken gasped. Akihiko made some kind of raspy sound in his throat, saying Ken's name under his breath with a scolding-yet-sympathetic tone. Shinjiro, however, felt his stomach drop, and his jaw fell open without his intent. This was never part of the plan; Ken was supposed to kill him, accept the consequences of it, and live his life to its entirety. Not stop his own life so short, with his own hand at that.

_He's too young, he's got his whole life ahead of him... dammit he's just a kid._

"But, that's just a matter of timing," Takaya continued, catching Shinjiro's eye again. "Either way..."

His arm moved, and the yellow moonlight reflected off of something he pulled out of his belt.

"All three of you are going to die, anyway."

His gun. His hand had been on his gun this entire time, and Shinjiro just couldn't see it. And now he stood with it drawn, and there was no way he would hesitate.

_Shit!_

Shinjiro darted forward, putting himself in between Takaya and the other two, pulling his evoker out with the same motion.

"Don't gimme that shit!" he roared, squeezing his finger against the trigger.

_-Bang!-_

His evoker fell from his hand and onto the concrete, and he soon followed onto his knees, clutching his stomach where the white hot pain now radiated out from the bullet wound. Blood dripped onto the concrete and his evoker from both the wound and his mouth, his face still twisted in shock from the pain.

_Dammit... too slow..._

"Shinji!"

Hands suddenly landed on his shoulders, as Akihiko leaned over his left shoulder, as if to try to see the damage. Shinjiro coughed, droplets of blood splattering on the ground at his knees. The bleeding was bad, both external and internal, in addition to the internal bleeding he'd already been nursing for weeks, or perhaps months; he couldn't remember anymore. The combination of both made his body feel substantially weaker, to the point that he couldn't even bring himself to lift an arm and bat Akihiko away from himself.

"Now, then," Takaya continued, pacing forward, gun still drawn. "In lieu of your dying words, let me ask you: There's a data gatherer among you, is there not?"

Shinjiro clenched his teeth and raised his gaze, finding the muzzle of the gun in his face.

"You see," Takaya continued, "you have better data than we do, so we can't protect the Shadows even if we still had Chidori. So, tell me..."

His thumb moved a lever and the gun clicked, and Ken took in a breath.

"Tell me the identity of this nuisance."

_So you wanted Fuuka, that's what this has been about._

Shinjiro clenched his jaw tighter, though it felt more like he loosened it, like his muscles had weakened. His jaw shook as he struggled to keep it clenched together, as did the muscles in his arm holding his stomach.

"What's the matter?" Takaya asked mockingly. "Won't you tell me? Or are you no longer able to speak?"

Shinjiro steeled himself, his shoulders shaking noticebly under Akihiko's grasp.

"I..." he rasped, his voice weaker than he expected. "I don't--"

"No way."

Akihiko's voice was stern beside him, and Shinjiro coughed again, before turning his head toward him slightly. Akihiko had his gaze steady on Takaya, and his grip on Shinjiro's shoulders tightened slightly, as if he were bracing himself.

"I beg your pardon?" Takaya asked, taken aback.

"We're not telling you anything," Akihiko clarified, seeming to ignore Shinjiro's wide eyes on him. "So, why don't you put that gun down and give us a real fight, since threatening us isn't going to do anything for you."

"You misunderstand, I'm not threatening," Takaya replied. "I figured I could get a last scrap of information from this walking corpse before I kill him... and the two of you."

"I thought you might say something like that. Well, you can forget it, because we're not--"

"It's me," Ken said suddenly.

Ken walked forward on Shinjiro's other side, causing both him and Akihiko to turn their heads to him. Takaya cocked an eyebrow, staring at Ken expectantly.

"Is that true?" he asked.

"It's true," Ken confirmed. "That's the only reason--"

"No it's not!" Akihiko protested, standing suddenly, and Shinjiro slumped forward slightly just as the hands left his shoulders. "It's not one of us, and we're not going to tell you who it is."

"You don't have to cover for me, Sanada-san. It's okay."

"Ken...!"

"Oh, now this is interesting," Takaya laughed. "Now, which of you is telling the truth? Is it you," he pointed the gun at Akihiko, "covering for the boy? Or is it the boy," he pointed the gun at Ken, "covering for someone else?"

_Shit, he's playing around now. They need to get out of here._

"Aki," Shinjiro coughed, straining to raise his head. "Take Ken and--AGH!"

A boot hit his forehead, hard enough for the metal protector to recoil and bite into his head, and he fell hard onto his back. He writhed on the ground and held his forhead with a bloody hand, his ears ringing as he thought he heard Akihiko yell at something. He just barely managed to make out what Ken said next.

"My revenge is over, so I don't have any reason to hide anymore... I don't care anymore..."

The sound of his spear clattering to the ground echoed in the alley.

"I'm the one you want, so..."

"I see," Takaya replied. "In other words, you've lived enough. How wonderfully prepared. So, I'll take care of you first."

_No, I'm not... I'm not letting him do this, not while I'm still..._

"Now, go in peace."

_-Bang!-_

Shinjiro had just made it to his feet and darted forward when the gunshot rang out. He would've made it, he definitely would've made it, if someone hadn't already charged at Ken and shoved him out of the path of the bullet. A fine mist of blood stained the air in front of the person, his arm still outstretched where he had pushed Ken to the side and backward, his feet still off the ground from the dive.

_What..._

For some reason, his brain couldn't comprehend what his eyes were taking in, even as the person fell to the ground on his side, almost taking Ken down with him. Shinjiro was stuck, frozen in place, midstride, blood still dripping down his chin and from his abdomen. The person's body twitched slightly, maybe it was a breath, the blood seeping into a growing pool onto the ground a much darker shade than his vest.

_No..._

"Aki! Shit!"

It clicked all at once, and Shinjiro dove forward, landing hard on his knees. He didn't notice Ken's trembling and shocked body standing an arm's length to his right, nor did he notice Takaya lower his gun slightly in exasperation.

"Now what did you do that for?" Takaya asked, his question most likely directed at Akihiko.

Shinjiro turned Akihiko onto his back, his eyes searching desperately for where he'd been hit, finding a jagged hole on the right side of his chest. Shinjiro ripped off his own hat and pressed it down onto the wound, leaning all of his weight into his arms and hands. His arms shook from the exertion, and he stared down into Akihiko's face, and found blood trickled from his mouth as well. His eyes were unfocused, and his breathing was slow and shallow.

"...ji..." It sounded like a breath, but the syllable had tone to it as it escaped Akihiko's throat.

"Just hang on, Aki," Shinjiro rasped, ignoring his own bleeding wounds, even as his vision blurred with rising frequency. "You'll be fine, just stay with me."

"I don't see why you're trying so hard," Takaya mused, gesturing with the gun. "He's done for, you're well aware of that."

"Shut up!" he roared back, pressing down onto the wound even harder. "He won't die, I won't let him die! Not... not now..."

Akihiko's arm twitched slightly, and his breathing slowed to barely noticeable. A slight smile curved his mouth through the blood as he let out a single word.

"Mi...ki..."

On the last syllable, all the air left his lungs at once, and all his movement ceased. Shinjiro stared into his face, horrified, watching in hopes that he would take another breath or even say his sister's name again.

He didn't.

Shinjiro collapsed onto his hands, still pressing his knit cap into the bullet wound, vainly at this point. He clutched the hat in his fists, his shoulders shaking, pain in his body from the pills, from the gunshot, and from the loss. Ken collapsed on his knees beside him, his breaths shaking, letting out gasps of various words, such as "no" and the name he called Akihiko, "Sanada-san." Shinjiro kept his face buried in his own bloodstained hat, the shock still affording him a high level of denial.

_No... This... isn't how it was supposed to be..._

"While grieving is a delicious emotion to witness," Takaya spoke up suddenly, "the two of you are much too quiet for my tastes."

The gun clicked again and Shinjiro froze for a moment, turning his head up slowly to find the gun pointed at them both again.

"Who will be next?" Takaya asked on a taunt.

"You... bastard..." Shinjiro growled, glowering up at Takaya with as much rage as he could gather in his current state.

"You're not blaming me, now are you?" Takaya asked in reply to the insult. "That was his own fault, his decision. I didn't make him do that, so if you're looking for someone to blame..." He pointed the gun at Ken now. "Blame the dead body."

All at once, the white hot pain in his gut transformed into white hot rage. He had somehow ended up on his feet, his chest tightening down painfully, as if someone had reached into his chest and grabbed his heart. Tunnel vision fixated his gaze directly on Takaya, everything else fading into the background, including Ken's increasingly panicked cries of "Aragaki-san?!" He let out an agonized scream, and everything went blue, then white, then finally black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isamu Mamoru contributed a bit of Akihiko's dialogue to this chapter.


	2. Gone

His entire body was on fire, as if a physical manifestion of his anger had been ripped out of him and now consumed him in an invisible inferno. The wind-- _wind? Is there wind in the Dark Hour?_ \-- had picked up, the sound deafening and seeming to surround him in a cyclone. Far away he could hear someone yelling out indiscernible words-- two someones-- and through the chaos he could make out some sinister presence in front of himself. His throat burned, as if he were screaming, and had been for some time, the wind and fire around him growing in intensity.

Something inside him lurched, and he thought he saw the ground for a moment, but then his entire vision spun erratically as his consciousness felt torn in all directions. He vaguely heard more yelling, coming from somewhere behind him, or maybe to his right; it was hard to tell with his entire head _screaming_. He had to focus on something, anything, so he looked toward whatever was directly in front of him and lunged forward. A ripple in a shockwave that reflected back at him indicated he made contact with something, unable to feel if his fist had made contact or not.

He moved to lunge again, but stumbled, his vision spinning again, and there was more distant shouting, this time all around him-- _is most of that in my head??_ \-- and he somehow found himself upright again. He lunged at the presence in front of him again, but something hit him, hard, knocking the wind out of him, and then hit again, throwing him down to the ground. He jumped up and lunged again, and this time something cold and biting replaced all the heat for a moment, stunning him. Immediately, the heat returned, but from the outside, something red hot crashing into him and throwing him down.

He stumbled,  and a white light enveloped him before it all went black.

* * *

_-Beep... beep... beep...-_

Shinjiro's eyes blinked open slowly, refocusing with great difficulty on a white panel ceiling. His entire body felt numb, and the sounds around him seemed muffled, as if he were submerged in a pool. He tried to move an arm or even his hand, but they felt too heavy to lift. An irritating beeping sound was nearby, as well as the muffled sounds around him, and he somehow connected them in his exhausted and ravaged mind that he was laying in a hospital, most likely Tatsumi Memorial.

His eyes grew heavy suddenly, and he soon lost consciousness again.

* * *

> It was some time before he awoke again, doctors said he'd been in and out of a comatose state for several days. When he finally did speak to a doctor face-to-face, he was still so groggy and ragged that he couldn't quite comprehend what the man told him until he came back a few hours later and explained it all again.
> 
> He'd been shot, that much he remembered. But the doctor looking after him also said the other, more long-term damage done to his body was the reason they thought he would never regain consciousness. They'd tried many drug cocktails to slow the symptoms, until finally they found one that worked, at least temporarily. This doctor also happened to be one employed directly by the Kirijo Group, and had been involved in the development of Suppressants.
> 
> "You're welcome to join the case study to find a safe alternative," he had said.
> 
> Shinjiro had replied that he would think about it, but had no plans to go through with it.

Another week had passed, and he now stood just outside Gakkoukan High School on Port Island. Still unsteady on his feet, he hadn't meant to stop here, and he'd never expected to return, not after that night. He was like a ghost, somehow more of a living corpse than before the incident. He desperately needed to rest after wandering the city for what seemed to be hours before he ended up here, one of the last places he wanted to end up.

He leaned against the pillar marking the entrance, taking a few deep breaths to calm and steady himself. He listened as a few students gathered outside for lunch under the trees, as they were enjoying the last few warm days before the chill of Japan's fall set in. He couldn't see them, as he was facing the street, but they were all girls, at least four separate voices, and at least one of them was crying. The conversation had already started by the time Shinjiro started paying attention, having recognized their voices from a distant memory.

"The rest of the year just isn't going to be the same, is it?" one of them remarked.

"Do you think they found a new captain yet?" another asked.

"Why does that matter?!" the crying one screeched through sobs. "And they can't replace him! They can't..."

"Sorry..."

There was a pause, and Shinjiro found himself anticipating where this conversation was going.

"It's still so shocking that he got caught up in something like that," the first one spoke up. "He just seemed so straight-laced, I'm, like, still in shock."

"One of my friends said they saw him behind Port Island Station earlier this year," the fourth one finally spoke up.

"What? Really? Why would he be _there_ , of all places?"

"She said he was talking to someone, but she didn't recognize him."

"Wait," the second one spoke up suddenly. "Doesn't that one guy in your class hang around there? You know, the one who never comes to class anymore?"

"I don't know," the first one replied. "Are you talking about that Aragaki guy? The one who skips class on the roof?"

"Maybe?"

"Wait a minute," the fourth one interrupted. "I used to see Senpai come down from the roof after school a lot last year, with someone with him. A big scary guy in a beanie."

"Yeah, that's the guy in my class... I think," the first one confirmed.

"Maybe if he hadn't been hanging out with someone with such a bad influence..." the crying one squeaked out. "We'd still get to see him..."

"Yeah, the people who hang around that place cause nothing but trouble," the second one agreed. "I'm glad I was smart enough to get out before it happened to me."

There was a loud and angry gasp.

"Don't call Senpai stupid!"

"I wasn't...!"

He'd heard enough. He straightened up and walked away from the gate, but not before stealing a glance through the fence at the group of girls. One of them saw him as he walked by, letting out a squeaky gasp; she was a girl in his class, at least he thought she was, since she was the only one he recognized out of the entire group. She gestured around toward the fence at the others as he walked out of sight, and he wasn't sure if the others saw him or not. Not that it mattered.

_His fangirls somehow got more annoying with him gone..._

* * *

He found himself minutes later staring up at the Iwatodai Dorm building, having no memory of walking or taking the monorail here. He stood at the bottom of the steps, hesitant, his eyes focusing on the second-floor windows.

_No one should be here... good._

He walked carefully up the steps, a dull ache in his stomach from the stitches, his head still swimming from the heavy medication the doctors gave him, as well as something they referred to as "severe psychological distress." Whatever that meant.

Standing in the empty lounge, he glanced around cautiously, looking for any sign that anyone was present. The only sounds were a light whistling sound, almost like breathing, then a light huff as a white ball of fur perked its head up from beside the TV.

"Koro-chan..." Shinjiro smiled.

Koromaru jumped to his feet and padded over, circling around in front of Shinjiro while wagging his tail. Shinjiro knelt down carefully and patted his head, then ran his fingers through Koromaru's fluffy and healthy coat, stopping once to play with the loose skin on his cheeks.

"I'm sorry, boy," he murmured.

Shinjiro's expression dropped as his eyes clouded with regret, causing a similar change in Koromaru. He whined and tilted his head to the side, nudging Shinjiro's hand with his nose.

"I'm sorry," he repeated, giving Koromaru's head one last rub before standing back up.

He made for the stairs, the dog padding behind him, and soon found himself in his own dorm room. He rummaged through a box he left on the desk, his freshly-cleaned evoker sitting beside it, and pulled out a stash of bottles he left under some spare clothes. And then pulled the red SEES armband out of one of his coat pockets and dropped it on his evoker, then took a few more items from the box. He then turned and walked quickly out of the room, closing and locking the door behind him. Without even a glance down the hallway behind him, he descended the stairs and left the dorm.

* * *

_Here we are again._

He always found himself back in this alley, back on these stairs, staring out at the same spot. He even had a new reason not to be here, but that still hadn't stopped him from wandering for hours until he ended up back where everything started, and then abruptly ended.

The usual group of deliquents had gathered nearby, though they were noticeably more talkative than normal, and had found their way dangerously-close to breaking his personal space. They kept looking at him, and talking loudly, like they were trying to get his attention, though that could have also been his own imagination. He kept his gaze forward, however, ignoring them, his hands shoved deep into his pockets, legs crossed at the ankles at the bottom of the stairs.

"So I heard that guy who died went to Gakkoukan and was the captain of some team," one of them said.

"You're talking about that Sanada guy?" another asked.

"Yeah, you go to that school, you knew him, right?"

"No, but I heard of him, he was really popular and very _by the book_ , if you know what I mean."

_So even those assholes are gonna talk about it...?_

Shinjiro tapped the heel of his boot impatiently against the concrete, hunching his shoulders forward in discomfort. It was bad enough that he found himself here, where he had been the cause of two deaths, but now he had to _listen_ to it. He gritted his teeth and locked his gaze forward, trying his best to space out and ignore them, but that only seemed to make their words louder to his ears.

"Well, maybe that will teach losers like him from coming around on our turf," another said.

"Yeah, too many little goody-goodies have been comin' around here lately," the first one agreed. "Maybe idiots like him won't pick fights around here anymore."

"Yeah, or we'll give them the same treatment!"

The group roared in agreement, and Shinjiro clenched his teeth harder. Once again, he'd heard enough, and he stood from the steps and turned, walking past the group toward the deeper parts of the alley. One of them noticed him starting to leave and spoke up.

"Hey, Aragaki!"

" ** _What_** ," he growled, stopping in his tracks.

"You better not be thinking you can hang around here anymore! We know you've been living in that dorm with that rich bitch and her entourage of do-gooders."

He turned his head slightly, glaring hard into the kid's face. It happened to be the same kid he had headbutted into the ground several months back, when he first met the new members of SEES. The kid took a step back at meeting his stare and swallowed hard, holding up his hands.

"You wanna try that again?" Shinjiro growled.

"N-No, nevermind," he stammered back. "Do what you want!"

"Tch."

He walked around the corner and down about a hundred feet before stopping to lean back against the wall. He let his expression fade out into what he figured was his neutral expression now: a dejected frown with a clenched jaw. His body felt heavy again, exhaustion weighing him down from wandering the city in such poor condition. He closed his eyes and, upon doing so, he immediately saw a flash of Akihiko's face, and how it looked the moment before he stopped breathing.

_"Mi...ki..."_

Shinjiro grasped at his chest, that squeezing pain locking onto him again, and he gasped for air as he collapsed onto the ground against the wall. He threw his head back, hitting the wall hard with the back of his head, and locked his gaze on the grimy wall several feet away, faded grafitti staring back at him. It seemed farther away than it should have been, and so did the wall he was leaning on, as if he were floating and shrinking out of existence, only to fade back in again briefly before repeating the cycle.

He dug in his pockets with his free hand and pulled out a bottle, popping it open and barely registering that two capsules had hit his hand before he tossed them back and swallowed. He cringed a bit at the bitter and familiar taste as they went down, though the sensation seemed to shock him back into reality for a few moments. He replaced the bottle in his pocket and left his hand there, panting, struggling to regain his lost breath. Akihiko's face entered his mind again, and he swung his arm out sideways and backward, punching the wall behind him with the side of his fist. His hand stung, another sensation that brought him back to reality for a few moments, before he faded out again.

The image soon faded, accompanied by a violent fit of coughing that caused him to clamp a hand over his mouth, the motions pulling at his stitches. As the episode passed, he pulled his hand away from his face, finding it covered in dark and frothy blood.

He made no move to go to the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter as well as the next one will focus more on Shinjiro's shredded mental state and his (horrible) coping mechanisms. I'll bring the others in soon.


	3. Alone

Iwatodai Station. 

Normally, he'd find himself here while skipping class, or after school while wandering around, trying to find any excuse not to end up behind Port Island Station again. This time, however, he found himself here at the strip mall across the street, leaning against the railing on the third floor, just to the left of Umiushi Beef Bowl. He had no real reason to be here; he'd already eaten down at Hagakure Ramen, and the beef bowls there were usually too greasy for him to stomach anymore.

But here he was, eyeing the door, watching (and sometimes startling) anyone who exited the restaurant. It was a Sunday, so the lunch hour was packed with students from Gakkoukan. They streamed in and out of the shop at an almost constant rate, some of them with bags contained to-go containers. He didn't quite know what or who he was waiting for, or what he was expecting to find here, but he couldn't bring himself to walk away, to go anywhere but here, where that _smell_ wouldn't make him nauseous.

A familiar voice shocked him out of his stupor, two of them, in fact, though one of them he didn't hear clearly at first. He glanced to his left and his eyes widened. Standing in front of the door to Book On, as if they had just come outside, were Minato and Fuuka. 

Shinjiro let out a quick breath through his teeth and pushed himself away from the railing. Without looking back, he retreated to the stairway, descending the steps as quickly as his exhausted body would allow him. He didn't pause at the bottom to catch his breath, but crossed the street to the station instead, jogging up the stairs and tapping his monorail card on the NFC reader as he passed through the gate. He never looked back to check to see if they saw him or not.

It was better if they didn't.

* * *

_I hate this place._

Shinjiro drank from his can of black coffee, leaning against one of the side walls of the back alley in Pawlonia Mall. It was much too close to the police station, and other places the SEES members frequented, but he had run out of options. This alley was dark, and no one ever came back here anyway; there was nothing back here, no shops, no exit, just a plain, empty alley. And the acoustics somehow absorbed the chaotic sounds of the shoppers out in the mall, giving him the perfect quiet spot.

"Senpai?"

_Shit._

He turned his head slowly to the alley's entrance, almost glaring from under his hat at the intrusion. Minato stood just inside the alley, his hand raised slightly, other hand in one pocket, looking as surprised to see someone back here as Shinjiro was. 

"What are you doing here?" Minato asked, in that quiet and slightly nervous way he always did.

"I could ask you that," Shinjiro replied flatly, finishing off his drink.

"I'm, ah... meeting someone here."

"Hm."

Shinjiro stood from the wall to leave, brushing past Minato, but a hand grabbed his arm as he passed. He stopped dead and turned, towering over Minato and glaring down into his face.

"What," he growled, causing Minato to take a step back.

"I didn't know you were out of the hospital," Minato said, looking down and away for a moment. "And Mitsuru said your door was locked, so..."

Shinjiro hissed through his teeth and turned away, exiting the alley.

"She has a master key," he called back.

"She didn't want to invade your privacy," Minato replied, his voice close enough to indicate he was following Shinjiro out into the mall.

"It's not my privacy if it's not my room anymore."

"So you're really not coming back..."

"No, I'm not."

"But, Mitsuru-senpai said the last time you left, you left your key with her."

"I forgot to leave it, so I threw it away somewhere."

"Senpai...!"

Shinjiro stopped in his tracks, just beside the fountain, staring into the water at the collection of coins obscuring the tile at the bottom. He squeezed the can in his hand, feeling his muscles twitch and strain from weakness. A cough nagged at his throat, and he swallowed thickly in an attempt to bury it.

"Look, Arisato," he said in a low growl, not turning to face him. "Just tell Mitsuru that I'm not coming back..."

He tossed the can in the green and white recycle bin by a bench, turning his head slightly toward Minato.

"Then," he continued, "forget about me."

Minato's face twisted slightly, as if he were taken aback by the statement. He gestured with his hand, toward the general direction of the dorm.

"Forget about you?" he asked, though his tone was obviously rhetorical. "None of them will stop talking about you, especially after what happened that night, and--"

"They'll get over it," he growled, his hands forming fists in his pockets.

"But--"

"Will you shut up?!" Shinjiro bellowed, going into a stance to face him and gaining some unwanted stares from a few people passing them.

Minato had stepped back a bit, his eyes wide, real fear in his eyes. Shinjiro's heart rate climbed slightly and his breath caught in his throat, which he evened out by taking a moment to breathe and temporarily calm down.

"I'm done talking about it," Shinjiro said finally.

"But, Senpai--" Minato pleaded, reaching his hand out.

"Just leave me alone," Shinjiro retorted, tearing away from him and making his way to the closest exit on long strides.

Upon his exit, he realized with slight relief that Minato hadn't even attempted to follow him, and instead stood in that same spot by the fountain. Shinjiro stopped a few paces from the door and pulled a bottle out of his pocket, shaking out two capsules and tossing them back into his mouth, swallowing them dry.

* * *

Night had fallen. He didn't remember when, but it must have been some time ago. Without the watch he lost however many weeks ago, he had no way of knowing how much time had passed, not since he left the mall sometime in the early afternoon. It didn't feel like he'd been sitting on these stairs for that many hours, but he must have been, as he didn't remember going anywhere else; he knew he'd walked blindly from Pawlonia to this familiar spot, and the last time he looked around him, the bars had been closed, but they were definitely open now. He could smell the disgusting odor of cigarettes from Red Hawk behind him, and occasionally a too-drunk businessman would stumble away from the nearby bar.

Despite that, the alley was unusually-quiet tonight, the usual group of wannabe criminals nowhere to be seen. And there was no sign of Strega, either.

"Ngh..." he grunted, clutching his chest and struggling to take deep breaths, only taking in half the air he felt he needed. His chest clamped down in the center and he dug in his pockets, taking down another dose of capsules.

His breathing didn't even out, however, and the pain only worsened. He doubled over, hands over his mouth, and coughed violently, bearing through the searing pain pulling at his stitches and the inside of his throat until it passed. He tasted metal, and upon bringing his hands away from his face, he noticed the dark flecks of what had to be blood standing out against the skin on his palms. He swallowed hard, then pulled a small handkerchief from his pocket, wiping the blood away before stuffing it and his hands back into his coat pockets.

He settled back into his hunched sitting position, staring down at the concrete past his boots, but not really staring at it. He just couldn't bring himself to focus on anything else but the dead quiet of the alley, allowing the visions from that night to invade his thoughts before fading out, and taking with it part of his awareness of the world around him. And it was that unawareness that prevented him from hearing the clicking footsteps approach and stop just in front of him.

"Shinjiro."

He looked up for the source of the voice, but only moved his eyes, staring up at the dark figure through his fringe. Mitsuru stared back at him, standing in that distinctive pose with one hand leaning against her hip. He couldn't quite make out her expression in the dark, however, though at this point he'd accepted that his night vision was probably shot.

"May I sit down?" she asked, gesturing to the spot on the steps just to his right.

"You'll get your fancy skirt dirty," he muttered, averting his gaze from her.

"It can be cleaned," she replied curtly, walking forward and sitting down beside him in a way that somehow looked both dainty and powerful at the exact same time.

"If you're here to try to convince me to come back," he growled, still not looking at her, "Arisato already tried, and my answer is still the same. I'm out."

"I'm not here to ask you to return to SEES," she replied simply, crossing her arms. "I'm here to ask you to return to the dorm."

"Isn't that the same thing?"

"Not exactly." She leaned back slightly, staring up at the starless sky. "You may have been released from the hospital, but you're not healthy enough to not have secure place to recuperate. And you still need to see a doctor for regular treatments for your condition."

"I don't care about that," he muttered, burying his chin in the collar of his coat.

"Shinjiro."

He turned his head slightly to look at her finally.

"I'll take you back by force if I have to," she warned.

"Tch, you weren't this adamant when you first found out I was taking those things."

"That was before the doctors figured out how to treat it."

He sighed, moving his gaze back to the ground. This conversation was getting nowhere, at least nowhere he liked, and he was about two seconds away from standing up and disappearing into one of the many other alleyways in the area. He tapped the heel of his boot on the ground, letting his tired eyes close for a moment. He thought, for what seemed like a long time, mulling over options and Mitsuru's words, and weighing pain against comfort.

Finally, he spoke again.

"So, if I come back to the dorm, you won't make me go to Tartarus?"

"That's correct," she confirmed. "It's only so you'll have a place to sleep indoors while you heal."

"And after that, if I leave, you won't come after me again?"

"If that's what you choose to do, I can't stop you. Although... I'd prefer that you allow me to supply you with a place to stay."

"I won't let you do that."

"I know."

She stood up then, walking a few paces before turning to face him. She gestured with a nod of her head toward the direction of the station. 

"Let's get going, then," she said, leaning her hand on her hip again. "I have a car waiting."

"Of course you do," he muttered, mostly under his breath, pulling himself slowly to his own feet.

He walked forward, meaning to catch up to her, but a motion of her hand stopped him. She held something metallic out to him: a key, in the style of the others in the Iwatodai dorm, with a keychain in the shape of a white shiba inu attached to it. He stared at it suspiciously, then did the same with Mitsuru's face, his eyes narrowed.

"Arisato told me you disposed of your old key," she said simply.

He took the key from her hand, glancing at the keychain once before shoving them both in his pocket, leaving his hand there like usual.

"He wasn't supposed to tell you that," he muttered.

They both walked silently from the alley, making their way to the car that awaited them in a parking lot near the station.

* * *

Having returned to the dorm, Mitsuru and Shinjiro entered the lounge, finding Junpei on the couch playing a PSP, and no one else. He looked up as they walked in and sat back, leaning against the back of the couch. He gave them a small wave with the game system and smiled.

"Hey, Mitsuru-senpai, you got him back~!" he said quite loudly. "S'up, Shinjiro-senpai? You missed midterms, lucky."

Shinjiro scoffed and kept walking toward the stairs, keeping his gaze forward and somewhat lowered.

"Doesn't matter," he muttered, just loud enough that Junpei would hear him, then started climbing the stairs.

About halfway up, he heard Junpei's voice echo, though he didn't quite catch what he said, and didn't care to. He headed straight for his own door upon reaching the landing, grateful for once that his was the first door in the hallway. He took out his key and shoved it a bit clumsily into the lock, making much more noise than he meant to. 

_-Click-_

He heard a latch open behind him as soon as he turned the lock, and he quickly removed the key and opened the door, pushing his way inside. Without looking back or even turning on the light, he closed the door swiftly as soon as he got inside, almost slamming it behind him. He leaned against it and took in a deep breath, which hitched painfully in his throat as he heard a small voice say his name on the other side. He waited, listening, struggling to take in breaths, until he finally heard the distinctive click of the other door close.

He slid down the door and onto the floor, sitting with his hands buried in his pockets, not making a move to remove his hat or coat or even boots. His chest heaved, and once again he clutched at his chest, digging with a shaking hand for his bottle of pills.

_Not here. Not now._

After swallowing down yet another dose, he leaned his head back against the door, his eyes on the ceiling dark ceiling. Flashes of memories made their way into his mind again, something that he couldn't determine was another unfortunate side-effect of those capsules.

Akihiko tracking him down to rejoin SEES.  
Akihiko chastising him for taking the Suppressants.  
Akihiko fighting alongside him, despite the disapproval.  
Akihiko--

_You goddamn selfless idiot._

Shinjiro pulled his hat down over his eyes, his fingers tightening into the fabric. With a swift motion, he ripped it from his head and flung it across the room, where it hit his desk chair and bounced off onto the floor. He panted, glaring at it, the hand that threw it closed into a tight fist. He swallowed a cough, then sighed, dragging himself up from the floor with a groan.

He tossed his coat onto the foot of the bed, not bothering to hang it up, then removed his boots. He left them disheveled on the floor, kicking them in a vain attempt to get them to sit in a somewhat-organized fashion. He stared at his bed, the plain white covers staring back at him with a kind of blankness he wished his mind would have. He sighed and collapsed onto it, not bothering to pull the covers around himself. He shivered and rolled over, facing the wall.

_It's the same, no matter where I go... so I guess where it happens doesn't matter, either._  
  



	4. Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my computer rebooted while it was in sleep mode and I lost a good chunk of this chapter and had to rewrite it. It would've been up about an hour ago otherwise.

His entire head was screaming.

His throat burned, so maybe it was really just him screaming in agony, but his entire body burned. Desperation surrounded and consumed him, a desperation to get out, to get out of the fire that he knew on some level wasn't real, but burned him nonetheless and filled his lungs with choking smoke. And to get out, he would have to fight through whatever was blocking him, whatever was right in front of him.

He dove forward, crashing into the presence in front of him, knocking it down to the ground. It rose to its feet quickly, and he crashed into it again, watching as it fell. Each time it got back up, he crashed into it again, and again it would fall, the sounds of the impacts drowned out by the deafening wind, and the _screaming_. The screaming that just wouldn't stop, and seemed to get louder the more he fought.

Finally, the entity went down and stayed down, laying motionless on the ground. He didn't remember approaching it, nor did he feel his legs moving, but he now found himself staring down into the figure's face. On sight, the screaming grew into a roar in his ears, and a blue light consumed him before he blacked out again.

The last thing he saw was Akihiko's lifeless face staring back at him.

* * *

Shinjiro's eyes popped open to a cloudless sky, his heart racing dangerously, the sound of his pulse beating in his head drowning out all the usual sounds of the city and school around him. He sat up immediately, cringing at the pain that ripped through his torso from the stitches, and from a triggered bout of coughing that brought the taste of iron into his mouth. He swallowed hard, holding his head with one hand, then brought his hat partway down his face, just enough to cover his eyes. His other hand closed around the bottle in his pocket, and he let out a long and pained sigh.

_Not that shit again._

As if on reflex, he pulled the bottle out of his coat and shook two capsules onto his palm before popping them into his mouth. He waited a few long moments, panting, allowing the "medicine" to do its work and calm the squeezing pain in his chest that he had long learned to associate with danger. He carefully leaned onto his back again, folding his arms behind his head, and let his eyes slide closed.

The wind had picked up, ruffling Shinjiro's hair and uniform jacket and causing him to shiver as he laid reclined on the bench. It had been almost two weeks since Mitsuru had convinced him back to the dorm, and several days since she convinced him to start attending school again. And, while she could pretty much force him out of the dorm and toward the school, she couldn't convince him to attend a class she wasn't a member of. So, just like during his second year, he found himself on the roof instead of in class.

Life had marched on for the others, at least in a way. Fuuka's "friend" had moved away, good riddance as far as Shinjiro was concerned, and the tension between Mitsuru and Yukari had been growing in the last few days. They had always been awkward around each other, at least that's how it was in September, but it seemed worse now, and he was much too tired to hang out in the lounge with those two in the room together.

On that hand, his after-school and evening trips to the hospital were more of a godsend than a chore.

He opened his eyes to the sky, and he couldn't remember how long he'd been napping up here. The expanse above him was no longer a bright blue, but a deepening blue tinged at the edges with the yellow threat of sunset, and what had awoken him must have been the bustling of students leaving the building or heading to their club activities.

There was no one to come get him anymore.

He sat up, slowly, his stitches still pulling at the wound in his gut. He let out a sigh as he reached a sitting position, looking out past the roof's fence toward the direction of the hospital. With another sigh, he stood, slowly again, and slipped through the door to head down the flight of stairs. On the way, he brushed past someone, maybe two, who were heading for the roof, and one of them called out something at him.

He didn't look back.

* * *

"Well, looks like there's been no improvement as of yet."

The doctor glanced up from his clipboard at Shinjiro once before flipping through some pages. The same doctor who greeted him when he woke up in the hospital, and the one who oversaw his treatment during his week spent here. And now, this same doctor held his latest test results from his outpatient treatment regimen, and didn't seem happy about the results.

_Of course there's been no improvement._

The doctor spun in his chair to face the computer, typing out something into a box. Notes, Shinjiro guessed, for if he thought of something else that might work later. Shinjiro sat in the chair calmly, waiting for the next statement or question, so he could leave and stop wasting the doctor's time.

"On the other hand," the doctor said finally, "The damage hasn't gotten worse. That's good, that means what I've given you has been fighting the progressiveness of this syndrome."

Shinjiro simply grunted in reply.

"So," the doctor continued, "I'm going to up the dosage on the first medication, but I'll keep the others steady for now. And, this is important, I'll need you to tell me when I see you tomorrow or anytime in the next week if you notice any adverse changes, alright?"

Shinjiro shrugged.

"Aragaki-san. Do you understand that?"

"Yes," Shinjiro said finally, shivering uncomfortably in his drafty school uniform. "I got it. I'll let you know if anything changes."

"Good," the doctor grinned, turning back to his computer. "I'll put this in for you and you can pick it up on your way out."

* * *

Shinjiro arrived at Naganaki Shrine not much later, his coat fastened tightly around him. He ascended the stairs and made his way to a bench behind the playground, settling down as the last hour or so of twilight gave the area an eerie glow. Consequently, the light from the _honden_ looked strange in this almost-night, a little too similar to "lights" during the Dark Hour.

_That's right, the Dark Hour. They're saying the last huge Shadow is coming soon, and then it will be all over._

He leaned his head back, staring up at the waxing moon above him.

_Looks like Mitsuru's getting what she wants._

He dug in his pockets, pulling out a bottle of capsules. He shook out the usual dose and swallowed them down dry, then replaced the bottle in his pocket. Huddling down in his coat, he closed his eyes, allowing the pills to calm his mind down before it even had a chance to go wild on him. It would've only been a matter of time, anyway, in this silence.

Unaware of how late it had gotten since he dozed off, he awoke suddenly to barking, followed quickly by something nuzzling his leg. He stared down into the dark, having to blink far too many times to get his eyes to adjust, until he recognized the white fur and bright eyes of Koromaru staring up at him.

"Koro-chan," he murmured groggily, reaching his hand down to run his hands through the fluffy fur. "Why are you out here by yourself...?"

Koromaru simply stared up at him, turning his head sideways. Then, his ears perked up at a noise, and, metaphorically, so did Shinjiro's, as they both looked toward the shrine's gate as someone ran up the stairs.

"Not... fair... Koromaru!" the panting voice of a child called out, the small figure followed closely by someone in a Gakkoukan uniform.

Of course the dog didn't come here on his own; Minato occasionally took him out for walks, as did the others, and sometimes they came out here in pairs. This time, Minato had brought Ken with him, and Ken was now looking in Shinjiro's direction.

"You'd think... with all those stairs... in Tartarus..." Ken continued, still trying to catch his breath. "I'd at least... be able to... sprint to the shrine!"

"Maybe you need longer legs," Minato said flatly, gaining what Shinjiro figured was a look of disapproval from Ken.

"It's not my fault I'm this small!" he spat back, miraculously gaining his breath back as he said it.

It seemed as if they hadn't spotted him yet, so Shinjiro stood as quickly as he could, but misjudged his own limits and he stumbled a bit. His vision went black and fuzzy for a few moments and his head spun, causing him to instinctively reach into his pocket and grasp his pills for a moment. It passed, and he found himself leaning against the jungle gym on one arm with his forehead against it, while Koromaru barked once or twice at the others.

_Dammit._

"What is it, Koromaru?" Ken asked as he jogged over.

Shinjiro stepped back just as Ken reached the jungle gym, and the sudden movement startled Ken so much that he had to stop abruptly in his tracks. He collected himself and looked up at Shinjiro, giving him a small smile.

"Hello, Shinjiro-san," he said meekly.

"Hey," Shinjiro replied, stuffing his hands deeper into his pockets and looking away.

There was a brief silence before Ken spoke again.

"The final battle is almost here."

"It's got nothing to do with me," Shinjiro muttered.

"Even so..." His voice trailed off for a moment. "I wanted to talk to you about something."

"...Me?" Shinjiro almost scoffed.

"Yes, so... could you meet me in _that_ place, on the day of the operation?"

_This again..._

Shinjiro stared at Ken for some time, minutely aware of Minato standing nearby. Either their leader didn't have any idea of what Ken was planning, or he simply didn't care. It was a toss-up with that kid anyway, so Shinjiro refrained from making judgments based on Minato's reactions, or lack thereof.

"Alright," Shinjiro said finally, brushing by Ken in the direction of the shrine gate. "I'll be there after school."

"Thank you, Shinjiro-san!" Ken replied happily, the tone of his voice shifting slightly as he bowed in thanks.

Shinjiro kept walking, however, muttering something under his breath. As he approached Minato, he could sense eyes on him from the side, so he stopped just beside the SEES leader and stared him down, steel eyes glaring down into blue.

"What," he growled.

Minato didn't reply, but looked away slightly. Shinjiro narrowed his eyes and averted his gaze, staring out at what parts of the city were visible from this elevation.  
"Are you okay to fight now?" Shinjiro asked suddenly, causing Minato to turn his head to Shinjiro suddenly.

"Yeah," he nodded in reply. "I'm going to do it for Akihiko-senpai and the others, and you, too."

"Do it for everyone else, leave me out of it. Channel Aki's ghost as a Persona or some shit, that'll give you more than enough oomph for everyone."

"I don't think that's how it works, but... Mitsuru-senpai told us why you wanted to get rid of the Dark Hour."

Shinjiro didn't reply.

"So, if the Dark Hour and Personas disappear, then you and others like you won't have to suffer anymore."

"And you're okay with that? With your abilities disappearing?"

"It doesn't matter what I think. I can't compare that to what you and the ones with Apathy Syndrome are going through."

"Tch."

Shinjiro strode forward toward the stairs, looking over his shoulder once as he walked away.

"Don't bother with that," he called back. "Just do what you want."

* * *

A few nights passed, October changed to November without event, until the night before what would be the final operation of SEES arrived. Shinjiro stood at the back of the lounge by the bar, leaning against the side of the counter and staring unseeing at the wall in front of him. The remaining members of SEES had gathered on the couches and chairs at the other side of the room in what seemed to be a preliminary meeting for the upcoming operation.

After much silence, someone finally spoke up.

"...Well, tomorrow will be our last operation," Fuuka said to the solemn room, the seat to her left appearing too empty.

"Yeah..." Yukari said empathetically. "We've been through a lot this last six months..."

There was an awkward silence, as Yukari turned to look at Minato.

"...Don't ya think?" she added hastily.

"It went by quickly," Minato muttered just as hastily.

"...Yeah, huh."

"It was a lot better than doing nothing, right?" Junpei chimed in, as if he was just trying to keep the conversation going and light-hearted. "Besides, we made some new friends~."

"...Yeah, I guess," Ken said quietly, lowering his head.

Shinjiro closed his eyes at hearing the tone in his words, trying to pretend he wasn't listening in to the conversation. Junpei, on the other hand, glanced around frantically, trying to find a way to salvage the conversation.

"I-I mean," he said, his voice shaking a bit. "We're all friends, right, so it was all worth it!"

The silence in the room remained, and Junpei grew more desperate.

"...right?" he added, glancing around at the faces around him.

Mitsuru and Yukari looked anywhere but at each other. Ken looked down at Koromaru standing in front of his seat, but stole a glance to the back of the lounge where Shinjiro stood. Fuuka stared down at her hands clasped in her lap, fingers fiddling with the ties on her wristcuffs. Aegis looked as robotic as usual, but kept her eyes on Minato, who had his bored stare locked onto Junpei.

"It... doesn't feel right," Fuuka said finally, her voice quiet.

"I agree," Mitsuru said, shifting her stare to the empty space by Fuuka.

"What are you guys talkin' about?" Junpei asked, oblivious to the elephant in the room. "We're almost done! We'll kick that Shadow's ass tomorrow, the Dark Hour will disappear, and everyone that got turned into zombies will be cured! Shouldn't we be excited?"

"Junpei," Minato spoke up, gesturing to the long faces in the room.

"Oh," Junpei coughed, lowering his face. "You're talking about..."

He glanced toward Shinjiro, who pretended not to feel the eyes on him, but tapped his boot impatiently as that familiar tightness rose in his chest again.

"Yes," Mitsuru said, "the room does lack a certain... energy without Akihiko here to supply it. He'd probably say something reckless about the operation, but somehow make it sound inspiring to bring our morale and excitement to sufficient levels. I'm afraid we'll have to do that ourselves this time..."

The room grew quiet again, and Shinjiro found himself swallowing back another impending coughing fit. He felt a twinge in his chest and grimaced a bit, lowering his gaze down to the floor. He would have to leave the lounge soon.

"You know," Junpei said, breaking the uncomfortable lull. "It was Akihiko-senpai who first brought me here, to join SEES."

"Oh, right," Yukari replied, smirking. "He found you crying in the corner of a convenience store in the middle of the Dark Hour."

"I was cowering, not crying!"

Koromaru barked a couple of times, ending with a happy tail wag.

"Koromaru-san says," Aegis began, "that Akihiko-san is the one who found him after a Shadow injured him while he protected the sacred place where he and his master lived."

"Oh right, I forgot about that," Yukari replied. "Senpai insisted on taking him in and even started feeding him doggy-versions of beef bowls, right?"  
Shinjiro stifled a laugh.

"Akihiko is also the one who insisted we rescue and recruit Yamagishi," Mitsuru added.

"Oh, that's right!" Fuuka said. "I met him in the hospital when I was sick, and he kept asking me all these weird questions. I didn't really know what he meant at the time, but it all makes sense now."

"It's good he was so insistent," Yukari said, smiling. "The night we found you in Tartarus, he was the one who said we should rescue you no matter what, and even stormed off on his own at one point."

"Indeed, he was," Mitsuru agreed, causing Fuuka to blush. "And you ended up taking away a burden from me that I wasn't equipped to carry, so I'm grateful for that."

"Plus, it saved our asses countless times!" Junpei added.

"I-I'm just glad I got to be of use to everyone," Fuuka stammered, blushing even more.

The room grew quiet once again, the silence deafening to Shinjiro's ears. He felt a slight need to say something, to say anything, but he knew no matter what came out of his mouth, it would be insensitive. Too blunt. Too harsh. And probably would have some kind of threat sprinkled in.

_It's best if they just forget I'm back here._

In fact, he hadn't moved at all, even when the conversation grew uncomfortable, because that would draw attention, and one of them ~~(Junpei)~~ would probably try to get him to say something. Or worse, one of them ~~(Mitsuru)~~ would try to get him to sit down with them. Or, worse still, he'd be invited by one of them ~~(Minato)~~ to "replace" Akihiko in the operation tomorrow night.

He grimaced at the thought, hunching down more, his gut aching where stitches once marred his skin. His hand fiddled with his bottle of pills in his pocket, and he considered for a moment if he could get away with taking a few. and pretend they were the pills prescribed by the hospital if questioned.

"I just remembered something," Mitsuru said suddenly. "Back when SEES first came into being, Akihiko was the reason we ended up with three members instead of two."

"You mean..." Yukari said cautiously.

"Yes, Shinjiro joined because Akihiko did."

_Goddammit, Mitsuru._

Shinjiro felt a half dozen pairs of eyes settle on him, and he resisted shooting any of them a glare.

"Was it like with me?" Junpei asked, the grin clear in his voice. "Was Shinjiro-san hiding from the Shadows somewhere?"

"That's a little hard to imagine," Yukari replied dryly.

"Not exactly, Iori," Mitsuru continued. "When Akihiko agreed to live here in the dorm and fight for SEES, Shinjiro showed up and refused to leave until he was allowed to join as well. And, although I was already well-aware of the risks that posed, I allowed it."

She glanced at Ken then, who returned his gaze to the floor and the dog.

"So that's what he meant," Ken muttered.

"Wait a minute," Yukari spoke up. "If you knew the risks, shouldn't there have been some kind of fail-safe or something in place to prevent it?"

Shinjiro's eyes popped open and he stared at the group from the side, his gaze landing on the back of Mitsuru's head.

"Yes, well," Mitsuru replied, a dejected tone in her voice. "Knowledge isn't always equal to experience, I'm afraid, and with the limited information we were given, we had no way of knowing just how destructive the results would be. I don't believe anyone would without witnessing it first-hand."

"Yeah," Yukari said, lowering her head. "I'll admit, that wasn't anywhere what I expected."

"It was definitely different than what happened with Chidori," Junpei added. "And from what happened in September."

Shinjiro narrowed his eyes at the group, his jaw loosening.

_They can't be talking about what I think they're talking about._

"I can't imagine what it could be like to have to live like that," Minato said quietly.

"Yeah," Ken agreed. "I thought I knew, but seeing it, while fully awake was... different."

"What the shit are you people talking about?!" Shinjiro called out, gaining surprised stares from everyone in the room.

"Oh, Shinjiro-san, I'm sorry," Junpei said, waving his hand.

"Sorry for what?" he spat back.

"My apologies as well, I should've realized this conversation would be bothersome to you," Mitsuru said.

"It's only 'bothersome' because I don't know what the hell you guys are talking about."

Ken looked up at him finally, with wide eyes, his mouth gaping open finally.

"Do you..." Ken said, his voice trailing off. "Do you... not remember?"

Everyone looked to Ken, then back at Shinjiro, and Shinjiro swallowed another cough. He stood from where he was leaning and took long strides across the room, reaching just inside the sitting area near Mitsuru's seat.

"Remember what?" he demanded, staring down at Mitsuru.

Mitsuru held his gaze, her expression somehow sympathetic, similar to how she looked at him when she found him in that alley weeks prior. She took a deep breath, then spoke.

"The night of the previous operation, Yamagishi managed to track down three life readings, including Amada and yourself. She mentioned that your reading seemed strange, so we hurried to the location, and..."

She paused, for much longer than she usually would, taking her gaze away from him.

"And what?" he urged, anger rising in his voice.

"Well, we thought you were engaged in battle with one of the members of Strega at first, until your Persona attacked Arisato."

He froze, his eyes wide. He stole a quick glance at Minato, just to judge his reaction to the statement and memory, but found nothing out of place, which was in itself unusual.

"Shinjiro-san," Aegis spoke up, turning her entire body toward him. "I sense that your heart rate is rising dangerously for your condition. Please do not panic, for my primary objective is to protect Minato-san."

A vague memory of being knocked down flashed into his mind.

"Did you... attack me?" he asked.

"Just your Persona," Junpei clarified. "It took three of us to take it down."

"Three of you..."

"Aegis, Iori, and myself," Mitsuru said. "Although, what stopped you probably wasn't any of us, but the fact that you lost consciousness soon after Iori's attack."

The visions from his nightmares came forward into his thoughts, and his breath hitched painfully in his throat. His eyes locked onto a spot just to the left of Ken, unseeing to the room around him and only seeing what he had truly witnessed that night. Almost as if he'd been blinded, he'd only been able to see Takaya in a blurry, human-shaped mass, and something had ripped itself clear from his body.

That much he knew; he remembered that much. But, until now, he hadn't realized just how familiar that sensation had been. He'd been distracted by Takaya, and the rage had blinded him to the sweat that seemed to pour off his face, and the agony that wasn't in any way connected to grief.

And above him, surrounded by blue for a moment before glowing faint white, was Castor. His evoker was still on the ground, covered in his own blood.

"Shinjiro-san?!" Ken called out suddenly.

His eyes snapped open, staring at the lounge's modern carpet instead of the cold and grimy alley concrete. His knees ached, though the pain was muted against his throbbing head and chest, the former of which he held a hand against, the fingers gripping his hat slightly. He turned his widened gaze upward, having to tilt his chin up to stare up into Ken's face, wide brown eyes staring back at him.

"Are you... alright?" Ken asked, wariness in his voice, Koromaru staring up at Shinjiro from behind a small leg.

Shinjiro glanced around the room once, finding Fuuka pressed up against Junpei with one hand clutched to her chest. Junpei looked ready to jump from his seat, even with one hand placed firmly on Fuuka's shoulder. Minato had jumped to his feet, as had Yukari, with Aegis in front of Minato with her arms outstretched in a shield-like manner, a vague reminder of a moment back in September when the moon was full. Mitsuru hadn't moved much, except to shove herself against the far armrest of her chair.

But Ken and Koromaru had both approached him, and now stood in front of him as he now knelt on the floor.

"Shit," he hissed.

Shinjiro half-jumped, half-stumbled backward to his feet, having to steady himself with one hand on the back of the couch. It was then he realized his breathing was irregular again, and that familiar panic rose in his chest again. He took in a deep and gasping breath and froze again, trying to focus on anything that existed as a constant in front of him, like the coffee table.

_Not here._

Ken took a few steps toward him, and he stumbled one step back, having to catch himself on the couch again. He flinched as a small hand touched his arm, and he tore it away from Ken's grasp, shoving his hand in his coat pocket.

"Don't touch me," he growled, taking an uneasy step back and setting a dangerous stare on Ken.

"Shouldn't you sit down?" Ken asked, taking another step forward.

Shinjiro opened his mouth to retort, but instead doubled over into a fit of violent coughing. It passed just as quickly as it hit, at least relative to his own awareness, and he swallowed back the iron taste that was all too familiar by now. He turned his gaze up to Ken, then at the others, and then backed up more so that he was in the hallway leading toward the stairs.

"Good luck on the operation tomorrow," he mumbled on a growl, keeping his gaze and voice low. "Don't fuck it up by staying up too late tonight."

He then turned and headed for the stairs as quickly as his tired legs would carry him, their weight heavy and impeding. Behind him, Koromaru watched him leave with ears low, and Ken took a few steps forward to run after him. Mitsuru stood then, having composed herself, and crossed her arms against her chest before walking the short distance into everyone's line of sight.

"He's right, everyone should rest tonight and make preparations for the final battle tomorrow," she announced.

"But--" Minato started, stopped by Aegis's stare back at him.

"I'll take care of it," Mitsuru replied simply, waving everyone's concerned stares away with her hand. "The important thing now is that everyone is well-rested and prepared for battle. We may be short two members, one of them permanently, but we cannot allow that to impede our ability to work as a team and destroy this last Shadow. We're too close to back down now. We will succeed in our mission tomorrow, without letting thoughts of Akihiko cloud our judgment. You're dismissed."

She turned on her heel then, and headed for the stairs, by-passing the second floor and heading in the direction of her own room on the third.

* * *

Shinjiro found himself in his room, sitting on the edge of his own bed, now mostly calm again, staring at the pill bottle clutched between his fingers. His gaze wandered over to his desk, the half-dozen bottles of prescription medications scattered on the surface, each with its own purpose to control the side-effects of the pills he held in front of his face. He chuckled, a dark sound to his own ears, the cruel irony of the situation almost hilarious to his tired mind. Pills that were killing him, and pills that were just barely keeping him alive.

He truly was a living corpse.


	5. Dark Hour's Last Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are at Nov 3rd, the "end," as the characters think right now.  
> This chapter broke my brain.

The final operation day had arrived, and Shinjiro had no plans of participating.

In a move that mirrored the month prior, when his plans to atone for his actions fell through in a catastrophic manner, he stood in his room, placing various items in his pockets in preparation. He looked around for a moment, feeling like he was one capsule bottle short, but shrugged it off. His memory and mind had been fading for awhile, so it was no surprise if he misremembered the exact number of some bottles.

He picked up his evoker, "SEES" emblazoned on the side, the metal glowing yellow in the late-afternoon light. Even touching this thing was enough to give him pause, to give rise to that vile feeling in his chest, but after what happened last month, the risk was too great. He shoved the replica gun in his right coat pocket and turned, exiting his dorm room and closing the door behind him. He stood in the hallway for a few long moments, resisting the urge to even glance to his left, to the now-empty dorm room that shared a wall with his own.

* * *

He descended the stairs not long after, his feet just barely touching down on the first floor when he noticed a figure standing near the table by the bar. He approached, remaining in the hallway, and stopped just close enough to see who was in the dorm this soon after school. The figure, still in uniform with long burgundy hair, stood firm, staring at him intently with arms crossed against their chest.

"Shinjiro," they said curtly.

"What?!" Shinjiro spat back, turning his face away. "You're home early, Mitsuru. Don't you have student council or some shit?"

"It's Tuesday," she stated, her voice still curt. "We don't have meetings scheduled for Tuesdays."

He narrowed his eyes at her from the side, then hissed through his teeth, turning his face toward the wall to his right.

"You didn't go to school today," she said, a slight hint of venom in her voice.

"I wasn't feeling well this morning," he mumbled back. "Didn't you hear? They upped my dosage, and sometimes it makes me nauseous."

"Is that so?" she said, her words denoting a question, but her tone sounding almost passive-aggressive. "So the medication you've been prescribed to treat the Suppressants' side-effects has been making you sick... and not the Suppressants themselves?"

He swallowed thickly, that residual iron taste very apparent in his mouth. He let out a soft chuckle, then turned to face her, still hunched over in bad posture.

"Could be both," he admitted with a shrug. "The hospital told me to stop taking them, but I dunno how long the side-effects are active. Could be withdrawal for all I know."

Mitsuru sighed then, a long and drawn out sound of frustration. She reached into the pocket of her skirt and pulled out a bottle. He squinted at it, and his breath caught in his throat as he recognized it as one of his pill bottles.

"Where did you get that?" he asked, squaring his shoulders defensively.

"I found it on your desk," she replied simply, placing it down on the table beside her.

"The hell happened to 'respecting privacy'?" he accused, turning his face away again with a huff.

"This goes beyond that." She walked forward a few paces, stopping within a meter of his position. "If the hospital told you to stop taking them, then why do you still have them in your possession...?"

"For insurance," he spat back.

"Insurance...?"

"Yeah, I mean, those pills the hospital gave me don't do shit to control my Persona."

"So you _have_ been taking them."

"Doesn't matter."

"It _does_ matter, Shinjiro. You can't recover if you don't stop taking them."

"And I can't control Castor if I don't _keep_ taking them!" His voice rose suddenly, and his chest tightened down, so he took a few deep breaths in an effort to calm down. "All of you have seen what happens if I don't, to the point that everyone else is terrified of me!"

"They're not terrified," she corrected calmly. "They're concerned."

"Could've fooled me."

"Shinjiro..."

She walked forward a few more paces, but stopped when he turned his head to glare down at her. She uncrossed her arms and instead placed on hand firmly on her hip, gesturing at him with the other.

"Yes, they are a bit frightened of you," she said, gaining a scoff in return. "But that has more to do with you closing yourself off and glaring whenever one of us tries to communicate... like now."

He clenched his jaw and turned away with his body this time, staring up at the wall. He felt his shoulders shake a bit, then his chest heaved. He took in those long breaths again, although it didn't feel like he was getting enough air.

"There's..." he said finally, his voice low. "...no reason for them to concern themselves with me."

"You're part of this team, Shinjiro," she replied bluntly. "Whether you consider yourself a member or not, the others consider you one of them, so of course they have a reason."

"Well, they shouldn't. I don't deserve it."

"Do you really believe that to be true?"

"Yes."

"So, you're just going to reject their offers of kinship because you feel you don't deserve it? Because you feel you should let yourself die instead?"

"It's not a feeling, Mitsuru. It's a fact."

"And what about Amada?"

He turned his head to look over his shoulder, a cold glare in his eyes.

"What about him?" he growled.

"What example do you think you're showing him by giving up?" she asked, a stern tone in her voice.

He narrowed his eyes at her, then turned his face away again, glaring at the wall.

"There's no 'example' or any of that shit," he muttered on a growl. "He hates me and wants me dead, that's all there is to it."

"That's not true."

"He tried to kill me, Mitsuru, and I killed his mother, so, yeah, he hates me, and it's pretty damn justified!"

"It was an accident, Shinjiro."

"It being an accident doesn't erase that it happened." He turned around to face her, almost towering over her. "Or are you saying I shouldn't take responsibility for something that I did..." He narrowed his eyes. "...Even when you can't let go of something that you didn't do."

She lowered both arms down to her sides and squared her own shoulders at him, visibly-threatening.

"Don't bring the Kirijo Group's sins into this," she warned, that authoritative tone very clear in her voice now. "That's a much more complicated situation."

"Oh, is it?!" he retorted, his voice raising in volume again, but he made no move to stop it. "So I should just say it was all an accident and move on from it, is that what you want me to do?!"

"That's exactly what I want you to do," she replied calmly, unfazed.

"And what about Ken?! Moving on from it isn't going to bring his mom back or undo the damage that I caused!"

"I'm aware of that, but it will allow you to forgive yourself."

His voice caught in his throat, though he was unsure if it was from the certainty with which she said that, or if it was from the pain closing around his chest, or from both. He clenched his teeth and turned slightly away from her again, burying his hands deeper in his pockets, staring at the floor.

"I have no right to do that," he muttered finally.

"Yes, Shinjiro, you do," she insisted, approaching him slowly. "You have every right to forgive yourself instead of forcing yourself to suffer like this." She rested a hand on his back, causing him to flinch and turn his face farther away.

"That's rich coming from you," he said in a low voice.

"Shinjiro--"

"No, don't stand there and tell me I have the right to forgive myself, because I don't!" he bellowed, twisting himself away from her touch and facing her head on. "It's MY fault that Aki died! Just like it was my fault that Ken's mom died, and it'll be my fault if you people die tonight because you can't focus without Aki's dumb ass pulling you together!"

He panted slightly, sweat beading on his face and under his hat on his forehead. He ignored the pain squeezing more and more down onto his chest, instead focusing on Mitsuru and that frustrating look of sympathy on her face.

"It wasn't your fault, Shinjiro," she said, softly. "And, whether believe it or not, Akihiko's unfortunate fate has hardened our resolve."

There was uncertainty in her voice, and, upon hearing it, he clenched his jaw, his hands shaking.

"No, it **_WAS_ ** my fault! _I'm_ the one who lost control and brought down that building! I'm the one who killed his mom! _I'm_ the one who didn't just tell him to leave! Don't look at me, knowing what I did, and tell me it wasn't my fault, Mitsuru! It all comes back to me and what I did! It's--"

His chest tightened down suddenly, cutting off his voice, and he clutched at his chest in pain. He let out a long barrage of violent coughing, gaining a concerned and almost sympathetic stare from Mitsuru. A hand landed on his upper arm and squeezed gently, and he grimaced, rolling his arm out of the grasp.

"Don't," he rasped, swallowing down the metal taste.

"You need to stop taking them," she said softly, her posture more relaxed than usual.

"There's no point," he muttered, stuffing his hands back in his pockets. "It's better if I just waste away and die, that's all there is to it."

"That's not true."

"You know as well I do that it should've been me and not him. He meant more to the team than I did, and he actually had useful skills and powers, and I..."

He took his trembling hands out of his pockets and stared down at them, palms up. The memory of black blood on concrete, reflecting the eerie yellow moonlight, invaded his thoughts. He clenched his jaw together hard and narrowed his eyes, as if he were trying to physically fend off the memories, especially as Akihiko's face entired his mind again.

"He had no reason to die, not like that..." he breathed, lowering his hands slightly. "That idiot just should've left things alone and let them play out, but instead..."

"That was his decision, Shinjiro," Mitsuru spoke up, her authoritative tone returning slightly to her voice. "You can't change that."

"But he was only there because of something I did!" Shinjiro retorted, suddenly glaring down at her and throwing his arm out to the side. "Don't you get it?! It all happened because of me! So don't stand there and tell me it wasn't my fault, or that I shouldn't blame myself, because it's ignoring the goddamn truth staring me in the face!"

Mitsuru crossed her arms in front of her chest again, glaring right back at him.

"And you think dying will fix it?" she asked coldly.

"No, but it will sure as hell prevent it from happening again!" He turned his face again, stuffing his hands back in his pockets.

"And what about the others?" Mitsuru shifted her weight slightly, her posture straightening up much more from her relaxed stance before. "Amada. Arisato. Iori. Yamagishi. Takeba." Her voice became more stern with each name she listed. "They all look up to you. Do you honestly think they'll be better off if you just let yourself die?"

"Were you always this DENSE?!" He'd recoiled back slightly, feeling cornered. "My god, Mitsuru... if I die, then my Persona disappears with me, and then it can't go berserk anymore, no one else has to die, and--"

"If you can hold on until after tonight," she interrupted. "Then the Dark Hour will disappear, and that won't be a concern anymore."

"And what if I can't?" he spat back, gesturing wildly again with a shaking hand. "It could happen tonight, in this dorm, and any of you could be next. I even could lose it right now, and you'd be the next one to die because of me."

His words weren't exactly an exaggeration; his heart felt like it was going to burst, or implode, and that sharp and throbbing pain in his chest that always preceded him going out of control bore down on him. He panted, not quite sure how he was still in control, or how the dorm was still standing, even with all his emotions going haywire.

_I need to get the fuck out of here._

"That's just the risk we have to take," Mitsuru said, interrupting his thoughts and plan of escape. "And it's the risk we all take in Tartarus against the Shadows. You're well aware of that."

"The risk from Shadows in Tartarus is a hell of a lot different than a member of your own team losing control and destroying everyone and everything around them. I just..."

He slouched more, his eyes on the carpet at his feet, his hands clenched tight in his pockets.

"I just can't... do it anymore," he continued. "I can't trust myself around any of them... it's gotten so much worse and I can't..." He wheezed slightly, then swallowed hard, his hand grasping at his own chest. "...I can't hold him back anymore, he keeps trying to come out on his own no matter where I am, or what I'm doing, even after I take those shitty-ass things..."

He lifted his face just enough to stare at the bottle of pills on the table, his other hand clutching an identical bottle stuffed into his pocket. His heartbeat echoed in his own head, and he approached the table, staring down at the wooden surface through narrowed eyes. He removed his hands from his chest and pocket, leaning down against the table with his palms. Mitsuru's face softened.

"Shinjiro..." she said, softly.

Rage built suddenly in his gut, and his arms shook, his entire body shook. His hands hardened into fists, and he clenched his teeth together, all at once the screaming from his nightmares erupted in his head and came out of his throat.

"Don't fucking **PITY ME**!" he roared, and he suddenly flung one arm at the table from below, sending it flying forward onto its top in a half-flip, the bottle that sat on its surface soaring off into the opposing wall. The bottle shattered on impact, and white and green capsules flew in all directions, scattering across the floor.

"I get it, I'm weak!" he screamed at the far wall. "I've always been weak! I couldn't keep my parents from abandoning me at that orphanage! I couldn't save Miki when the orphanage burned down! I couldn't even control my own damn Persona and ended up fucking up some poor kid for the rest of his life! I couldn't..."

He stumbled back a few steps, his back impacting the wood and glass divider between the dining area and the hallway. His eyes, shadowed by his beanie and hair, stared wide down at the ground, his shoulders shaking with hands deep into his pockets.

"I couldn't stop him..." he mumbled, his voice cracking. "...and I couldn't save him... and I couldn't even kill the one who did it, and instead tried to kill an innocent kid! And I couldn't even do that because my body wasn't strong enough!"

He turned his head toward Mitsuru, though found himself unable to focus properly on her face.

"So," he continued, some of the strength back in his voice, "how the hell am I supposed to be strong enough to wait for something that might not even happen?! You could kill that Shadow tonight, and it wouldn't get rid of the Dark Hour, and we'll be right back where we started! We don't even know for sure if we can even get rid of the Dark Hour in the first place!"

Mitsuru remained silent for several moments, staring back at him calmly, only moving her hand to tap a finger against her arm. After a long pause, she turned away from him slightly, setting her gaze on the flipped table and the scattered pills on the floor near the far wall.

"You're right," she said finally, her voice quiet. "We don't know for certain if it will work, or if the Dark Hour can truly be eliminated. But we have to try for that small chance that it _will_ work, no matter the odds."

He scoffed and turned his face away, sliding down slightly against the divider.

"...you sounded too much like him right then," he mumbled.

"But you know he would say it, and you'd know it would be the truth."

He didn't reply, and instead twisted his face into some kind of corrupted scowl, his eyes stinging. He turned his face down toward the floor, trying to hide the embarrassing expression from Mitsuru.

"Shinjiro--" she began, causing him to jump slightly.

"Don't, Mitsuru..." he growled back.

"I was just going to say that you need to find a way to gather yourself back together, and get stronger for yourself and the good of the team. Because, believe it or not, you're much stronger than any of us can hope to be, and if you can pick yourself up and fight through this, despite Akihiko being gone, and despite your condition, then the others will look up to you and pull themselves together as well."

Shinjiro chuckled slightly, a sound that even to him sounded too dark for laughter.

"That doesn't sound like you, either," he said.

"You're right. It was Iori."

He remained silent again, a frown forming on his face. He turned his face up slightly to stare at the far wall, his foot tapping impatiently.

"But he made a good point," Mitsuru continued. "You need to pick yourself up and be strong again, especially for Akihiko, because if he were still with us, then he wouldn't want to be in this room with you with how you're acting right now. I sure don't."

He chuckled again, closing his eyes.

"Now, that sounds like you," he replied gruffly.

"You're correct."

Shinjiro pulled himself away from the divider, staring at the scattered contents of the bottle beyond the upturned table. Mitsuru narrowed her eyes at him and let out a small huff.

"Don't even think about picking those up," she warned, her hand back on her hip. "I'll have Aegis dispose of them properly."

"Whatever," he mumbled, turning away and walking into the sitting section of the lounge. "I have somewhere to be anyway."

"Don't do anything reckless!" she called after him, only to be met with a dismissive shrug.

"Don't worry about me," he called back. "I'm not Aki." He then disappeared through the door.

Mitsuru stared at the closed door for a few moments, then over at the mess of drugs on the carpet. She sighed, then crossed her arms again.

"No, you're not," she muttered to no one. "But... we need you need to be."

* * *

"I thought you weren't coming."

Ken's voice was light, not serious like it had been the last time they met in this alley. It was a different section as well, since the place was overrun with dangerous people at any time of day, and the presence of thugs hanging around wouldn't give them much privacy. Instead, they faced each other in one of the side alleys, Ken's bright expression contrasted against faded graffiti and grime.

"I got held up," Shinjiro replied simply, his head low.

"Do you know why I asked you to come here?" Ken asked.

It was a similar, if not the same question asked of him a month ago, though Ken's tone was drastically different. Shinjiro remained silent, however, his eyes on the ground.

"Shinjiro-san..." Ken said, causing Shinjiro to raise his head, and notice that the spear was nowhere in sight.

"...You stopped calling me Aragaki," he replied softly.

"Yes, well," Ken said, suddenly nervous. "It's what Junpei-san calls you, and I thought calling you what Mitsuru-san does or what Sanada-san did wouldn't be polite, so..."

Shinjiro raised an eyebrow, his assumptions about the motive behind this meeting becoming more and more unclear. He blinked slowly, wrinkling his nose slightly at the persistent pain in his chest.

"So," he said, quietly. "Are we here for you to finish what you started?"

"No, no!" Ken replied quickly, waving his hand around. "It's nothing like that."

Shinjiro's eyes widened, his mouth gaping slightly.

_There's... no way Mitsuru was right... it can't be..._

"For awhile," Ken continued, turning his face up to look at the afternoon sky, "I didn't know what to think about what happened here. About why you jumped in the way when that Strega guy showed up, or why you tried to tell Sanada-san to get me to safety, even when I was trying to kill you. I wandered around here, just trying to figure out why you would even care. I wanted to kill you, I was going to kill you, and it was all I had been living for, just to avenge Mom, and you knew that..."

His eyes closed, the pain evident on his face, though it looked more like guilt than grief.

"And even after all that," he continued. "I still thought you were just a monster, the monster who killed my mom. It's stupid, but when I saw you lose control again, my first thought was that you just wanted to destroy everything, and that's why your Persona went after Minato-san. But..."

He smiled then, turning his face back to Shinjiro.

"Junpei-san found me wandering around here and I talked it over with him, and he even prayed with me. And, thanks to him and Mitsuru-san, I found out that Sanada-san was all you really had, just like me and Mom, and you didn't attack Minato-san because you're a monster. You were angry, just like me."

Shinjiro narrowed his eyes at Ken again, then sighed.

"So you are calling us even now or some shit?" he asked.

"No, it's not like that..." Ken replied, his smile widening as he averted his gaze to the ground. "I... visited you in the hospital while you were unconscious, and I thought about how you took me to the summer festival and watched the fireworks with me, and how you cooked that huge meal for all of us, and how you saved me over and over again, even though you knew I'd find out eventually..."

"I just wanted you to have good memories to look back on," Shinjiro replied, his voice still rough from yelling at Mitsuru. "You're just a kid, and you should be able to act like a kid, and I felt responsible for taking that from you..."

"I know," Ken replied brightly. "When I first found out who you were, I thought you had been trying to get close to me so I'd change my mind about you, but that was selfish, because I didn't want to believe that you were just as human as any of us, or that you weren't as bad as I thought you were."

He raised his head and looked at Shinjiro again.

"You're just as human as any of us," he continued, "and, while I was angry that Sanada-san..." His voice trailed off for a moment, and his sentence didn't finish. "I know now that what happened with Sanada-san probably affected you much more than anyone else, and I feel like he did what he did so I would have the chance to forgive you. I'm certain it's what he would've wanted."  
Shinjiro looked up suddenly, his eyes wide and mouth gaping again, meeting Ken's bright smile.

"W-What?" Shinjiro stammered, his face of shock looking more like helplessness.

"I forgive you, Shinjiro-san," Ken said, almost repeating his statement. "It's what Sanada-san would've wanted, and I'm okay now, so I can do it."

Shinjiro didn't reply.

"What?" Ken asked, his face flushing with sudden embarrassment. "Did I say it wrong or something?"

"No," Shinjiro breathed with a shaking voice, lowering his face again. "I just... I thought it would be easier if you kept hating me..."

"What would be easier...?" Ken asked, tilting his head a bit.

"Nothing," Shinjiro replied, turning to the side abruptly. "Just don't--"

His voice stopped, the next word only coming out as a pained gasp. He hunched over slightly, his heartbeat loud and fast in his ears.

_Shit._

He stumbled back a few steps, clutching his chest as white-hot pain coursed through him. His eyes stayed open just enough to see Ken jog up to him, hands outstretched.

"Shinjiro-san?" Ken said, his voice full of concern.

"Get..." Shinjiro gasped again, sweat beading on his face, his stomach churning as if he was going to vomit. "Get away... from me..."

His chest heaved again and he fell to his knees, the toll on his body finally too much for him to remain standing as Castor ripped himself from his mind, or heart, or wherever Personas resided when not summoned. The demonic braying of the horse above him brought his heart rate up more, especially with Ken right in front of him.

"Don't...!" he choked out, feeling his Persona already starting to thrash around.

Even outside of the Dark Hour, it could still do some damage, which would probably end up blamed on an earthquake of some kind, since normal people wouldn't see the creature looming above him. And one of the casualties would be Ken.

Castor lunged several times, lurching erratically, acting much like it was tethered to something, its appearance blinking in and out of existence at random intervals. Shinjiro wheezed, then tried to stand, only to collapse back onto his knees and have to catch himself on one arm. A hand landed on his shoulder, a tiny hand, and he looked up to see Ken staring down into his face.

"What's going on?!" Ken asked hurriedly, most likely meaning why he lost control now rather than why his Persona was suddenly going crazy.

"Just..." Shinjiro choked out, staring up in horror as Castor suddenly turned on them both and prepared to charge. "...run..."

Castor rushed them, and instead of feeling Ken let go and run behind him, he felt some kind of rustling sensation in his pocket, followed by a hand clamped over his mouth. A familiar taste hit his tongue and he swallowed on instinct, watching in horror as his Persona dove at them, then vanished, its armoured hoof within centimeters of Ken's head.

"Shit..."

He panted, the breaths feeling far too shallow, the cold sweat causing him to shiver. He pushed himself up backward, meaning to get to his feet, but his legs wouldn't cooperate, and he instead collapsed onto his butt against the wall. He writhed slightly, clenching his jaw together, only opening his eyes when he sensed Ken was in his personal space again.

"Are you alright?" Ken asked, and Shinjiro found himself staring up into genuine concern instead of apprehension or caution.

He looked down into Ken's hand, seeing his fingers gripping his bottle of Suppressants. His breathing slowed, becoming deeper and more productive, his shoulders slumping against the wall. His hand reached for Ken's, and he gently pried the bottle from the much smaller hand into his own.

"You sure you don't still wanna kill me...?" Shinjiro asked, a small wry smile on his face as he stared at the bottle in his hand.

"I wasn't..." Ken started, but couldn't finish the sentence. "I just thought these would help calm it down, so without thinking I... I don't even know what the side-effects are..." He turned his head down, clenching his fists in his lap. "No one will tell me."

"Well it's--" Shinjiro started to speak, but a violent cough tore through his chest.

An alarming amount of blood splattered onto the concrete from his mouth, dark and frothy, but it only amounted to a few teaspoons. Nonetheless, Ken stared down at the blood in shock, only turning back to Shinjiro when the coughing subsided enough for him to breathe.

"...That," Shinjiro said simply, finishing his previous sentence.

"Oh no," Ken said with newfound urgency. "You need a doctor, here." He flung Shinjiro's arm over his shoulder and tried to stand up, forgetting for a moment that Shinjiro probably weighed as least twice as much as he did. "I'll get you to the hospital, come on."

"Relax," Shinjiro said, his usual harsh tone back in his ragged voice. "It's not nearly as bad as it looks, or could be, even."

Ken sat back down, cocking an eyebrow as Shinjiro slid his arm off his shoulder.

"What do you mean?" Ken asked.

"What I mean is," Shinjiro replied, "that I'm already taking shit to treat it."

"Wait, so..." Ken's face became confused. "You're taking stuff to treat what those pills are doing to you... yet you're still taking the pills... so you're just undoing and redoing the damage...?"

"It's fucked up, right?" He smirked.

Ken laughed a bit, a lot more than Shinjiro expected, and then stood up, holding out his hand to Shinjiro. Shinjiro took his hand and allowed him to help him stand back up, and he leaned against the wall behind him to steady himself. His head was spinning, but not as much as before.

"So, are you gonna fight in the operation tonight?" Ken asked, hope in his voice.

"I couldn't fight right now even if I wanted to," Shinjiro replied.

"Oh, yeah, I guess you're right."

Ken lowered his head in disappointment, but Shinjiro could sense from his tone that he understood. They stood together in silence, though it was short-lived.

"Hey," Ken spoke up, his voice bright again. "If it's okay, do you think you could show me how to make coffee?"

Shinjiro blinked, staring down at him warily.

"...Don't you already know how to make it?" Shinjiro asked in reply. "You drink it all the time."

"Yeah, but..." Ken turned and leaned against the wall, too. "I mean good coffee. Whenever I make it, it always tastes so bitter."

"...That's what coffee tastes like, kid."

"But I've had coffee before and it tasted, I dunno..." He fiddled with the strings on his hoodie. "It tasted better."

"Did it taste sweet, like it had sugar in it?" Shinjiro asked almost dryly.

"No, no, it was black," Ken insisted, turned toward Shinjiro with determination. "I don't know how to describe it, actually... but it was made in some kind of glass container, and I had to pour it out myself."

"Oh," Shinjiro said, the name clicking in his mind. "You're talking about a french press."

"Maybe," Ken replied, looking away. "I didn't know what it was called, but that sounds right."

Shinjiro sighed and pulled himself away from the wall, turning toward the alley entrance.

"Okay," he said. "I don't think the dorm has one of those, but I think I know where to get one. I'll teach you how to use it after the operation, okay? Kind of like a reward for defeating all those huge shadows."

"Really?!" Ken exclaimed, then suddenly latched onto Shinjiro's arm, burying his face in his sleeve. "Thank you, Shinjiro-san!"

"Uh... yeah," he mumbled, pulling away slightly with a grunt.

"Oh, sorry!" Ken said suddenly, letting go and stepping back.

Instead of walking away, Shinjiro reached out and ruffled Ken's hair a bit, then smirked.

"Let's go back," he said softly.

Ken nodded, and they both left the alley behind to return to the dorm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh it's not over yet, not even close.


	6. It's As Always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains spoilers for plot that takes place on Nov 4. Beware.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took cues from both the game and movie versions of scenes in this chapter, but mostly the movie because the storytelling works much better in this form.   
> Also I'm on some pretty strong pain meds right now for an injury and while I did proofread this the best I could, there still might be weird parts and if you find one I missed, feel free to tell me in comments. I'm not really myself right now.

Mitsuru barely looked up from the documents she held in her hand as Shinjiro and Ken walked through the doors to the dorm together. Minato sat nearby, in the same place he sat the night before, his headphones blaring some kind of music that Shinjiro could barely hear from across the room. Minato's head leaned listlessly-forward, as if he were taking an opportunistic nap. Aegis stood nearby, as usual, standing as if she were guarding the sleeping Minato. Koromaru rested by the TV as usual as well, only padding over once Ken knelt down and called out to him, and Yukari was reading a magazine at the now-upright dining table.

"Oh, hey!" Yukari spoke up from the table, having just heard the door close behind them. "Did you guys happen to run into Junpei?"

"I don't think so," Ken replied, running his hand through Koromaru's fur. 

"I can't get ahold of him," Yukari groaned, flipping open her cell phone. "He knows we have an operation tonight..."

Shinjiro walked over to one of the empty chairs and collapsed into it with a slight groan, his hands still shoved into his pockets. The movement seemed to stir Minato, who raised his head and blinked a few times before looking around to see Shinjiro.

"Senpai..." he mumbled sleepily.

"What?" Shinjiro spat back, though it sounded more bored and exhausted than he intended.

"Are you sure you won't be able to fight tonight?"

Shinjiro sighed heavily, pulling himself up to a somewhat upright sitting position.

"Didn't I answer that already?" he replied, noting how gravelly his voice sounded. "Even if I wanted to, I can't go."

"Perhaps he could, Arisato," Mitsuru said suddenly, catching both of their attention at the same time. "If certain _circumstances_ were different, then he would definitely be ready for battle." She lowered the papers in her hands to her lap, meeting Shinjiro's gaze directly. "Wouldn't you agree, Shinjiro?"

He didn't reply, but turned his head away and scoffed. He felt the bottle of pills against his fingers in his pocket, but made no move to take them this time, even as that pressure ached in his chest again. He looked up briefly to catch Ken's eyes on him, his small body now sitting in the couch seat closest to him. Shinjiro turned his face away and instead stared down at the floor, his usual position on a normal day, but one he now realized would probably gain some unwanted stares and pity. Minato speaking up proved him right.

"Senpai, I really would feel better about everything if you would go," he said quietly.

"You know I can't," Shinjiro replied curtly.

"You wouldn't have to fight, just..." His voice trailed off, causing Shinjiro to raise an eyebrow.

"I'm not going all that way just for moral support, if that's what you're asking for."

"No, more like... emergency backup?"

"What?"

"Just in case things go bad, it would be good to have someone who could back us up, like you did before."

"I can't, and you can't be sure that exact thing is gonna happen again."

"I don't mean that, I mean..."

Shinjiro stared at Minato as his voice trailed off again, noticing now that his shoulders were shaking slightly. Shinjiro leaned forward a bit more to try to see his eyes past the curtain of blue hair, only to be met with a shadow from a lowered face.

"Hey," Shinjiro said, the sound coming out almost like a growl. "What's going on with you?"

"Nothing," Minato replied quickly, turning his face away more.

"Nothing, my ass! You can't tell me that--"

"DAMMIT JUNPEI!" Yukari's voice interrupted the pair's almost-argument, everyone in the seated area of the lounge turning to look at Yukari standing up with her phone in her hand.

"What's the matter, Takeba?" Mitsuru asked calmly.

"I think something might be wrong," Yukari replied, motioning to her phone. "I just called Junpei's phone and it went straight to voicemail."

"What, you think he got kidnapped again or some shit?" Shinjiro asked a bit sardonically.

"But we have Chidori," Minato added.

"Arisato's correct," Mitsuru said, laying the documents she was reading onto the coffee table in front of her. "However, we can't rule out the fact that Strega is intending to lower our numbers." She glanced briefly at Ken and Shinjiro, then back to Minato. "And we also can't rule out that they may try to do so again."

"Then should we go look for him?" Minato asked.

"That may be too dangerous," Mitsuru replied. "I'll have Yamagishi search for him with her Persona, unless--"

The door opened suddenly, and a figure in a blue Gekkoukan baseball cap walked inside the lounge. He looked up and glanced around the room, a question on his face.

"...Unless something like that happens," Shinjiro muttered with a smirk, gaining a slight laugh from Ken.

"JUNPEI!" Yukari screeched, charging into the sitting area. "Where have you been?"

"Whoa there, Yuka-tan," Junpei replied with a bit of fear in his voice, holding up his hands and taking a step back. "I was just visiting Chidorita at the hospital like I always do!"

"I've been trying to get ahold of you for hours!" she retorted.

"Ohhhh, that," he said sheepishly. "Sorry, my phone died right after afternoon classes. Were you worried about me or something, Yuka-tan?"

"Don't be stupid, Stupei." She turned away and walked back to the table and picked up her magazine. "It just would've been bad if you forgot about the operation since we're already short two members anyway."

"Two members...?" Junpei blinked once, then looked at Shinjiro. "So I guess Minato didn't convince you to come with us after all, huh?"

Shinjiro sighed deep in his throat in a way that sounded much like a growl, then stood up.

"What is it with you people and trying to get me to join this last operation?" he grumbled, walking away from the sitting area toward the hallway that led to the stairs.

"Shinjiro-san..." Ken said from the couch, but he made no move to follow.

"You guys have got this, don't worry." He pulled a hand out of his pocket and stared down at it as his slowly closed it into a fist. "You'll be better off if I don't go anyway."

"But, Senpai--!" Minato objected, standing up from the couch.

"I said I'm not going!" Shinjiro retorted loudly, letting out a small cough when his voice cracked slightly. "Just... focus on yourselves and beating that last piece of shit into the ground. You don't need me there."

He started for the stairs, and Junpei called after him, but by then he'd already tuned out any protests from behind him, so he didn't make out what he said. Junpei's voice followed him up the stairs, until what he assumed was Mitsuru's voice interrupted and made him shut up. Shinjiro reached the landing and headed for his own door, but hesitated just outside of it, his hand hovering near the door handle. He turned his gaze slightly, just with his eyes, and let himself stare at Akihiko's door for a few lingering moments.

_You'd still go, though, wouldn't you._

He sighed, then entered his room, closing the door behind him. He threw off his coat, letting it land on the empty TV stand in the corner. He then collapsed onto the bed, his beanie pulled down over his eyes. His racing and grief-stricken mind protested against it, but his exhausted body won out, and he soon fell asleep, hours before the Dark Hour would consume them for the final time.

* * *

_Thwump!_

Shinjiro awoke suddenly to a door slamming shut somewhere on the lower floor. He sat up slowly, wincing as sore muscles and an aching core complained at the movement. He eyed the prescription bottles on his desk, glowing in the silver moonlight streaming through the window. He blinked once, then the realization hit him.

_I forgot to take them._

With a groan, he reached out for the bottles and tapped out his dosages in turn into his palm. He closed his fist around the caplets and replaced the bottles on the desk, standing to his feet at the same time. He reached into the mini-fridge that Mitsuru had provided for his room and pulled out a bottle of water, then used it to wash down his medicine in one gulp.

_Knock knock._

The noise startled him, and he almost dropped his water bottle on the floor. Water did splash out of it, soaking his arm and a small patch of carpet at his feet.

"Goddammit," he growled, twisting the cap back on the bottle and placing it back in the refrigerator.

He walked to his closet and opened it, pulling out a towel. He paused for a moment, then started to put the towel back into the closet, forgetting what he was doing. He stared at it in his hand, then let out a sigh, fatigue clouding his judgment. He stepped away then, towel in hand, and wiped the water from his arm. Turning, he started back to where he spilled the water on his floor when another noise interrupted him.

_Knock knock knock!_

"Shinjiro-san??" a muffled voice from beyond the door called out between knocks.

He sighed again, throwing the damp towel over his shoulder before heading to the door. He opened it to see Junpei standing beyond the threshold with a goofy-yet-bittersweet smile on his face, his arm still raised as if he were about to knock again.

"What," Shinjiro huffed, leaning against the doorframe with his free arm. 

"Oh, you're awake!" Junpei said, rubbing the back of his head.

"Even if I wasn't already, even I wouldn't be able to sleep through that noisy shit."

"Ah, sorry."

"Don't worry about it..."

There was a silence for a moment, as Junpei seemed to gather his thoughts before speaking again.

"Well, man, we did it!" he exclaimed, his face brighter than it had been all month.

"It's gone?" Shinjiro asked in reply, letting a small sliver of hope show through his eyes.

"Yep! We sent that thing back to hell where it came from, and that means the Dark Hour is over!"

"...you sure as hell have a lot of energy for someone who just went through a huge battle."

"Nah, I'm exhausted, but I'm happy! Aren't you?"

Shinjiro didn't reply, but chuckled lightly under his breath.

_Happy? I don't think that's the right word for any of this..._

"Well, anyway," Junpei continued, rubbing the back of his head again, then adjusting his cap on his head. "We're having a party tomorrow night to celebrate, and Mitsuru's ordering sushi!"

"You guys have fun with that," Shinjiro muttered back.

"Hey don't think you're not invited! You wanted this to be over just as much as anyone, probably more for all I know, so you should celebrate with us! And, besides, it'll be fun~~!"

"Fun, huh..." Shinjiro stared at Junpei for a moment from under his fringe, the excitement and hope on his face something he hadn't seen on his own in too many years. He sighed, then let a small smile touch his lips. "Alright, I guess it wouldn't hurt to celebrate something like this."

"Awesome!" Junpei replied loudly, catching Ken off-guard as he came up the stairs. "Just make sure you're here after school!"

"If I'm not, just come find me on the roof or something," Shinjiro replied with a small chuckle.

"Will do!"

With that, Junpei turned and headed across the hall to his own room. Shinjiro sighed again and began to close to the door, but caught sight of Ken and Koromaru on the landing near the stairs. Koromaru acknowledged him first, turning around and looking at him with that one look that only Koromaru could pull off, a look that specifically made Shinjiro unable to stay in his room anymore.

Indeed, he found himself in the hallway, holding his hand out to the dog, the towel still draped over his shoulder. Koromaru nuzzled his hand with his nose, and Shinjiro began scratching him behind his ears. Ken, meanwhile, approached and crouched down by Koromaru, running his hand along the soft fur on his back.

"Did he get hurt?" Shinjiro asked quietly.

"No," Ken replied, shaking his head. "Koromaru and everyone else got out pretty much okay."

"'Pretty much'...?"

"Well..." Ken leaned forward slightly and lowered his voice to a whisper. "I think something happened with Minato-san. He didn't get hurt in battle, but--"

"Tell me tomorrow," Shinjiro interrupted.

Ken raised his eyebrows in a question, which Shinjiro responded to by motioning toward the stairs with a nod. Footsteps echoed up the stairway just after, and a few moments later, Minato appeared at the landing, looking haggard. He barely acknowledged his two dormmates and the dog in the hallway, instead heading down the hallway to his room and disappearing behind the door.

"Ah," Shinjiro sighed after a brief silence. "That's what you meant."

Ken nodded, then focused his attention back on Koromaru, who had curled up on the floor, exhausted. However, Shinjiro narrowed his eyes at Ken, noticing that his eyes weren't focused on anything in particular, as if he were staring at something beyond Koromaru, where there was nothing but floor and a wall.

"Ken," Shinjiro said finally, causing Ken to turn his head abruptly in surprise.

"Huh?"

"Something wrong?"

"N-No..." He stared at the floor again for a moment, then looked to Shinjiro again. "Could you... go somewhere with me tomorrow?"

"Where's 'somewhere'?"

"It's..." Ken looked back to the floor as his voice trailed off.

Shinjiro stared at him for a moment, then stood back up fully. He shoved his hands into the pockets on his pants, staring at the opposing hallway wall adjacent to Ken's room. Once again, he sighed, suddenly realizing his nap hadn't rested him as much as it should have.

"If you don't wanna tell me, that's fine," he muttered finally. "Just meet me outside the high school's front gate afterschool."

Ken looked up at him and smiled slightly.

"Okay," he replied.

* * *

The next afternoon found Shinjiro and Ken, with Koromaru at their heels, standing at the hangout behind Port Island Station. It was eerily quiet, void of people except for the two boys and the dog.

Ken knelt down and placed a bouquet of white flowers on the concrete a few feet from the steps. He kept his gaze locked onto it as he stood back up, barely aware of Shinjiro standing a few feet to his right behind him.

"We finished it, Sanada-san," he said, aiming his words at the flowers. He glanced back at Shinjiro, who had his eyes closed and his head lowered. 

"You sure you didn't want to just go to the cemetery?" Shinjiro asked without opening his eyes.

"This seems more like the right thing to do," Ken replied, reluctance in his voice. "Besides..." He looked to the right of his bouquet, where freshly-cut white flowers rested on the concrete, a turquoise ribbon wrapped around the stems. "Someone else had the same idea."

Shinjiro opened his eyes then, staring puzzled at the homemade bouquet laying on the ground. He glanced to his left, toward the dumpsters at the edge of the main area, and noticed a familiar head of hair just barely hidden beside one of them. Tearing his stare away, he stepped up beside Ken suddenly, startling both him and Koromaru slightly.

"It was probably just one of those annoying fangirls of his," he suggested, letting out a forced sigh. "They haven't shut up about it since it happened."

"Oh," Ken murmured, his face falling. "I... didn't think about that. That must be hard for all of you guys to hear all the time."

Shinjiro simply shrugged, stealing a glance over to the dumpsters. He then ran his hand over the front of his beanie, adjusting it over his forehead to recenter it.

"We done here?" he asked, letting out another forced sigh again. 

"Are you feeling alright?" Ken asked in reply, staring up at him concerned.

"It's nothing like that, I'm just tired."

"Okay, let's go, then."

The two of them, plus Koromaru, exited the alley, but not before Shinjiro stole another glance toward the dumpsters, spying a face staring at them before it disappeared quickly into its hiding place again.

* * *

Having returned their evokers to Takeharu Kirijo and received the formal announcement that SEES would be dissolved at midnight, the remaining members gathered in the lounge for the celebratory meal. Various kinds of pizza lay in takeout boxes on the table, with 2-liter bottles of tea and soda placed beside paper plates and cups. 

"Your dad should've joined us for the party, senpai!" Yukari said, standing at the head of the table.

"My father's a busy man," Misturu replied, standing almost at the division between the sitting and dining areas. "It couldn't be helped."

Shinjiro picked up a cup from the table as well as the large bottle of tea, pouring himself a cup of it, somehow gaining a nuzzle on his leg from Koromaru in the process, who sat in one of the chairs. His gaze caught Fuuka sitting at the far end of the table, her face lowered, eyes unseeing toward her cold cup of tea.

"Senpai!" Junpei exclaimed suddenly, stepping forward on the other side of Koromaru from Shinjiro catching both of their attention. "You ordered some tasty sushi for us already, right?! I wish they'd hurry and bring it out!"

Koromaru barked in agreement as Shinjiro placed the bottle of tea back on the table. He scratched Koromaru's head, mainly out of pure habit and chuckled.

"Just make sure you guys don't eat all the mackerel before I get any," he muttered, walking back toward the bar, where Ken sat drinking a cup of coffee. "And save me a piece of marinated tuna, too."

"Wait, we're divvying it up already?" Yukari exclaimed suddenly, just as Shinjiro sat down at the bar. "Then I call the medium-fatty tuna!"

"Don't reserve your food, that's weird!" Junpei retorted just as loudly.

Ken looked up from his coffee at Shinjiro, then at the group.

"What did you do...?" he asked cautiously, a slight smirk on his face.

"Said something I shouldn't have," Shinjiro replied dryly, gaining a laugh from Ken.

"I will take fatty tuna, tuna, shrimp, squid, scallop, tuna roll, and sea eel," Aegis spoke up in that mechanical and somehow snarky way she always did.

"You're taking too many!" Junpei screeched, turning to face her and charging forward a few steps. "And anyway, you don't even need to eat!" 

"What an unsightly disagreement," Ken spoke up suddenly, turning in his seat at the bar to face the others. "Kirijo-senpai, may I order an egg sushi as well?"

_"Senpai"?? What the fuck are you doing...?_

"You can tell a sushi chef's skill by how he makes his eggs," Ken continued, his face as serious as he could make it.

Shinjiro cough-laughed, spitting tea all over the bar in front of him. He leaned over and coughed more, his throat burning from almost-inhaling barley tea. He only turned around to the others when he felt a dozen eyes on his back, as well at Ken's from the side.

"You okay there, senpai?" Junpei asked, genuine concern on his face.

"Yeah," Shinjiro said, breathless, letting out another small laugh. "Just... what the hell, Ken?"

"What?" Ken asked a bit innocently, though there was a playfulness to his voice.

"Did some old man tell you that or something? I mean, shit." He chuckled again, leaning back over the bar, avoiding putting his elbows in the tea. "You could just say you like eggs and be done with it."

"Why can't it be both?"

Shinjiro simply shook his head and chuckled, not wanting to prolong something that was clearly Ken just messing with him. Ken took a long sip from his coffee, much longer than usual, then set the mug on the bar next to a half-empty glass carafe with a metal plunger disappearing into the black liquid. Shinjiro returned to his own drink, taking a few careful sips, when a voice behind him caught his attention.

"Going to the bathroom?" Junpei asked, the question aimed toward the hallway.

Shinjiro turned his head slightly, watching as Minato disappeared around the corner toward the stairs. Aegis followed soon after, her movements much more natural-looking and quiet than normal. He narrowed his eyes at the sudden departure of them both, but also caught Ken staring up at him in his peripheral view.

"Is something wrong?" he asked, hands still wrapped around the warm mug.

Shinjiro shook his head, then his gaze caught onto Fuuka at the table again. While the others had already begun to dig into the various pizzas, she hadn't even made a move to drink her tea. With a sigh, he shook his head, turning his concentration back onto his tea.

"I guess not," he muttered in reply, taking a sip.

* * *

Hours passed, until those remaining in the lounge sat in an eerie silence. Minato had apparently gone to bed early, forgoing the celebratory meal entirely. Aegis was also absent, having been taken by Ikutsuki to the lab for some tests, or so she said before she left. Those who remained waited, all staring at a clock that had been placed on the bar. Shinjiro and Ken no longer sat there, Ken having found a place at the table while Shinjiro leaned against the wall nearby, leaving one chair at the table empty.

Eleven fifty-nine and forty seconds.

They watched as the seconds ticked by, though Shinjiro found himself staring at the floor instead. Dread and regret knotted in his stomach, his hand closing around a bottle of pills he hadn't been able to dispose of yet. 

Fifty seconds.

He let his eyes slide closed, gritting his teeth against the remaining ten, no, eight seconds. Then five. Then two. One.

Midnight. And the entire room fell into a green haze of darkness, echoed by troubled gasps from the others. Everyone jumped to their feet almost precisely in sync and glanced around in a confused daze, the urgency of the situation thickening the air with an invisible, choking fog. Koromaru barked and growled, his fur bristling, and Shinjiro's face lifted to the room, that dread he felt echoed in his tense jaw and sullen expression.

"W-What's going on?" Junpei stammered, glancing around the room at the sudden scenery change.

"It can't be!" Yukari exclaimed.

"Shit..." Shinjiro growled under his breath, stepping away from the wall. "I was afraid of this."

"What do you mean?!" Junpei asked loudly. "Did you know or--!"

_Bong!_

Junpei's loud voice was cut off by an even louder noise, a clanging sound with a faraway echo.

"What's that sound?" Yukari asked, turning her head toward the door.

"Bells...?" Fuuka asked quietly, clutching her hands to her chest.

"Where's it coming from?!" Ken asked, glancing around the room frantically.

Mitsuru turned around, facing the door with purpose.

"From that direction," she stated, caution in her voice. "It couldn't be...!"

"Tartarus," Shinjiro confirmed, gaining stares from the others in the room.

"What do you mean?!" Junpei asked, slamming his hands on the table. "Why would a bell be ringing from Tartarus?!"

Shinjiro glanced toward the hallway, spotting movement. Minato walked into the dining area, staring around at his comrades with just as much shock, if not moreso, than the others.

"I'm not entirely certain," Mitsuru said, turning to where Minato had appeared.

"Senpai...?" he said, caution in his voice.

Mitsuru stared at him for a moment, then turned around to set her gaze on Shinjiro. She straighted her posture, but even in the deep darkness of the Dark Hour, he could see her trembling slightly. He returned the stern stare with one of his own, strengthening his own stance as well.

"Shinjiro," she said, pronouncing the last syllable with finality.

He kept her stare for a bit longer, even as the bell continued ringing up until twelve chimes. He then allowed his shoulders to relax slightly, and nodded.

"Go," he stated, motioning with his head toward the door.

Mitsuru nodded in reply, then faced the others with new determination.

"Everyone, prepare yourselves!" she announced, her voice bellowing in a fierce and commanding echo. "We're going to Tartarus!"

* * *

Shinjiro was unclear on how much time had passed since the others had left, leaving him alone in the dorm, just as they had nearly every night leading up to the previous operation. There was a certain peacefulness about the empty dorm during the Dark Hour, the usual screams of distress and growls and snarls of Shadows unheard and silenced by the exterior walls of the Iwatodai Dorm. It allowed him some measure of rest, even with his mind wandering to the distressing memories of his childhood home up in flames, the screams of his best friend calling for a sister who would never answer again, his own screams drowned out by the sound of masonry and metal crashing down, and that same friend bleeding to death through his own vain attempts to save him. Something about the silence calmed him, even as he sensed his own Persona becoming more and more agitated and restless.

_Tonight would be the night to do it, you one-legged bastard. No one else is around to get hurt._

He leaned back into the couch and sighed, letting his eyes slide closed. His fingers brushed the bottle of capsules still in his pocket, the sheer habit of taking them at the first sign of trouble making his hand twitch. He resisted, however, not even using any of his mental defenses this time, letting the pressure on his chest take hold.

_Scritchscritchscritchscritch!_

He jolted up suddenly in his seat, letting out a noise that sounded much like a gasp and a cough combined into a ripping vibration from his throat. He braced his boots on the floor, leaning forward slightly, his steel gaze locked onto the front door. He didn't make a move to stand up.

_Scritchscritchscritchscritch!_

He clenched his jaw, noting the emptiness in one of his pockets of a silver implement used to defend himself against Shadows. His axe was locked away upstairs somewhere, and the weakness in his body warned him that he might not even be able to swing it.

_Castor doing it would be fine, but a Shadow doesn't die after it kills someone. I can't let it get in here._

The scratching continued, but another muffled sound accompanied it. A high-pitched sound with a harsh staccato to it, the echo of it outside sharp and clarifying its identity. Shinjiro's eyes widened, his jaw going slightly slack. He leaped to his feet and darted to the door, throwing the locks and opening the door inward, staring down at a small and familiar fluffy creature standing on the stoop.

"Koro-chan?!" he blurted out, noting the lowered state of his ears and tail. He knelt down and grabbed at fluffy cheeks, also noting the rigid posture of this normally-relaxed dog. "What are you doing here?" He took his eyes off of Koromaru for a moment, glancing around at the sidewalk below the stairs to meet startling emptiness. "...and where are the others?"

Koromaru whined, pushing past Shinjiro into the lounge. He sprinted to the stairs, stopping at the bottom and barking back at the door. With a questioning blink, Shinjiro nodded and closed the door, jogging to catch up to the dog as quickly as his tired body would let him.

* * *

He found himself following Koromaru all the way to Tartarus, though they didn't stand below the tower itself. Instead, he found himself staring up at the observatory, a building he didn't quite remember ever existing on the school grounds. Koromaru ran forward to the door and barked, and Shinjiro followed, throwing open the steel door and sprinting toward the door marked with a stairs symbol. He threw open that door as well, with no regard for closing them, the urgency closing in on his chest.

_I don't know what the hell's going on, but Koromaru wouldn't lead me to my Evoker without a reason..._

He continued sprinting up flight after flight of stairs, a stark reminder of their climb through Tartarus, though much, much faster. He felt his breath leaving him after roughly fifteen flights, having to catch himself on the railing to keep from collapsing. He panted, his vision swimming and chest burning and aching from the sudden exertion he very obviously wasn't ready to undertake.

Koromaru nuzzled his leg, whining in an attempt to urge him to keep going. Panting still, Shinjiro moved to stand up fully, when two sharp and ear-piercing noises cut through the silent air.

_Pappap!_

The distinctive tail of both sounds chilled his blood, a flash of Akihiko's lifeless face appearing in his mind for a brief second in response. A scream echoed down the stairwell not too long after, though he couldn't make out if it was a word or simply just a sound, but the biting anguish of it distressed him.

"Gunshots?" he asked no one, breathless. "And was that... Mitsuru...?"

With a growl through his teeth, Shinjiro steeled himself and sprinted up the next few flights of stairs with new fury, his mind focused only on reaching the top, urged by what sounded like machine gun fire. He could hear urgent voices now, getting louder as he neared the top, the roof. He threw open the final door, which seemed more like a hatch or trap door, and Koromaru sprinted out ahead of him. He pulled himself up to the roof, his eyes darting over the figures of the others before catching yellow and blue latched together against the roof. Aegis had Minato pinned down, her weaponized arm pointed at his face.

"CASTOR!" Shinjiro screamed without thinking, his evoker suddenly in his grasp and pointed at his temple.

His Persona materialized in a tempest of blue light, that ghastly neighing echoing against the eerie scenery around them. Castor charged forward toward Aegis, barreling into her with his armoured hoof and throwing her out to the side. She rolled several times, coming to a stop in prone position, not moving. Castor disappeared soon after, just as Shinjiro reached the rest of the group, Junpei and Fuuka both staring at him in disbelief.

"Aegis!" Minato screamed, rightfully concerned.

Shinjiro jogged to a stop in front of the others, his labored breathing coming out as painfully wheezing. He surveyed the area around him, sighting Minato holding onto Aegis in his arms, Mitsuru leaned over the motionless body of someone he didn't immediately recognize, Koromaru positioned to the side with something square in his jaws, the others staring at either himself or Koromaru in near-shock, and Ikutsuki bleeding and in hysterics directly in front of everyone.

"Ikutsuki!" Shinjiro roared with a raspy voice, gripping his evoker tightly with a shaking hand. "What the fuck is going on here?!"

A crazed smile grew over Ikutsuki's face, his eyes wild and unseeing in the general direction of Shinjiro and the rest of SEES. He laughed somewhat, the sound trickling out much like the blood that fell onto the roof at his feet.

"I'm going to rebuild it," he replied, his voice quiet and pained. "This world is corrupted and rotting... it can't be allowed to go on... if we do, it'll just continue to rot... why can't you understand...?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?!" Shinjiro yelled in retort, taking a step forward, squaring his shoulders.

"To rebuild the new world... we must destroy the old!" His smile grew ever-wider and he took a few steps back, raising a gun toward SEES, seemingly toward Shinjiro. "I will be king of the new world!" He laughed, a maniacal sound that accompanied his lazy aiming of the weapon. He continued to walk backward toward the edge of the roof, and he wasn't slowing down.

"Hey, wait!" Shinjiro called after him, darting forward to follow him. A harsh grunt escaped his throat after a couple of steps, a sharp pain shooting through his chest, sending him to his knees. He clutched at his chest, his jaw clenched, glaring up at Ikutsuki through squinted eyes. "Ikutsuki!"

"I'm... almost there..." Ikutsuki said to the sky, walking backward still, the gun clattering to the roof.

"Stop!" Shinjiro screamed, pushing himself up off his knees only to fall back down again.

With a hysterical laugh, Ikutsuki stepped backward off the roof, disappearing below the edge. His laughter faded into silence, a silence never interrupted by an impact.  
Shinjiro stared out past the roof, his eyes unseeing for several moments. His mouth hung open, confusion and frustration closing in on his mind. 

_Just what the hell was Ikutsuki doing here? And why was Aegis attacking Minato? And who else was shot?_

These thoughts and variations thereof raced through his mind, coming to a halt when his throat let out a gutteral wheeze. He lurged forward, his hand still clutching his chest, and coughed hard, or perhaps vomited, it was difficult to tell anymore. Blood splattered onto the roof in front of his knees, the sight and taste of it reminding him of how stupid his sprint up the tower was. His body shuttered when it was over, falling back onto his butt, slightly curled forward toward bent knees. A hand landed on his shoulder and he glanced up toward it, seeing Ken staring down at him.

"Shinjiro-san--!" Ken said.

"Is everyone else okay?" Shinjiro interrupted.

"Yeah," Ken nodded, but he froze for a moment. "Well, except for..." He turned his head toward where Mitsuru and Yukari sat, Mitsuru still leaning over the body, which Shinjiro suddenly recognized as Takeharu Kirijo.

"Shit... her dad..." Shinjiro rasped, clenching his jaw hard and leaning forward more, wincing from the pain in his chest, and the pain of regret.

"Why did this have to happen...?" Yukari asked uselessly from behind them, staring out into the empty space where Ikutsuki stood moments before.

Mitsuru let out a sob, holding the motionless body of her father on her lap. She rested her hand on his back. Shinjiro tried to stand, rolling onto his feet and bracing himself with his free hand. His vision swam and he grunted, collapsing back onto his knees.

"Shinjiro-san," Ken said, giving Shinjiro some leverage so he wouldn't tip over. "Try not to move so much."

"Mitsuru," Shinjiro said, his head turned slightly behind him. "I'm sorry... I wasn't fast enough..."

Mitsuru didn't respond with words, but let out another small sob and shook her head.

"My father once said," she said, her voice strained, "that he would atone for having to let our generation put ourselves at risk, even if it cost him his life." She paused, her lips quivering as she seemed to struggle to find words.

"Senpai..." Yukari breathed, staring at Mitsuru with soft eyes.

"But I..." Mitsuru continued, her voice breaking and cutting itself off. "I-I wanted him to live!" Her voice disappeared into sobbing, her body losing strength and leaning down over her father's lifeless back.

Minato still held a motionless Aegis, staring in shock at Mitsuru, the feared student council president, breaking into tears. Fuuka lowered her face to stare at the roof. Yukari kept a pitied gaze on Mitsuru, unable to move. Koromaru whined, but made no movement either. In fact, no one moved at all.

_If Aki were here, he'd..._

"Junpei," Shinjiro said calmly, turning toward him.

"Yeah?" Junpei replied, staring at him with understanding eyes.

"Help her up, I can't--ngh!" He coughed again, three times, tasting metal.

"Right, don't worry about it."

Junpei pulled himself wearily to his feet, making his way over to Mitsuru carefully. He put his hands on her arms and slowly guided her to her feet, being sure that Takeharu's body didn't just fall unceremoniously onto the roof's surface. 

"Come on, senpai, it's over," Junpei said softly, urging her away so they all could leave the blood-stained tower.

* * *

After everyone had somewhat-gathered themselves, they traveled back to the dorm in silence. Upon reaching the second floor, Ken and Shinjiro sat down in the sitting area near the vending machines instead of returning to their rooms like the others. Ken stared down at his feet, swinging them back and forth gently, while Shinjiro stared toward the opposing wall at nothing in particular.

"It's gonna keep happening, isn't it?" Ken asked, tightening his fists in his lap.

"Probably, if what you guys said about Ikutsuki is true," Shinjiro muttered in reply.

"Does this mean you'll leave again...?" Ken's voice shook, causing Shinjiro to turn his head toward him.

"Why the hell would you think that?"

"Because... I dunno, it just seemed like you were just waiting around until your Persona disappeared, but now it isn't going to..."

Shinjiro sighed, then patted Ken's head.

"You're too sharp sometimes, kid," he muttered, letting a small smile touch his lips. "You're right, that's what I was waiting on, but..." He stared over at the wall again. "Mitsuru's out of commission now, so someone needs to pick up the slack or everyone will fall apart."

"What are you gonna do?"

Shinjiro swallowed hard, narrowing his eyes at the far wall.

"I dunno yet," he replied, clenching his fist in his pocket. "But I need to try _something_."


	7. Mistake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no explanation for what you're about to read here. Just know this isn't nearly as bad as it will get.

Morning filtered in through the hallway window on the second floor of the Iwatodai Dorm, harsh for the early November sun. Shinjiro groaned and blinked rapidly against the intrusive light, leaning forward slightly from his sitting position on the floor. 

_Shit, must've passed out here._

He tilted his head up and back slightly, staring at the door he'd slept against all night. The door that led to Akihiko's now-vacant room. Shinjiro sighed and dragged himself to his feet, grunting and groaning as his sore muscles creaked and ached in protest. He gave the door another lingering stare, his throat tightening the longer he stared.

_Just what would you do... I know you would do whatever it took to fix this, but what...?_

He shoved his hands in his pockets, feeling defeated, and turned toward his own door, taking long strides toward his room. He opened it quickly and closed the door behind him just as quickly, letting out a sigh as he released his hand from the doorknob.

"This is so fucked up..." he muttered under his breath, and just as he did, he heard a soft and sleepy groan from near his bed.

He immediately moved into a more defensive stance, his shoulders squared and hand wrapped around the evoker still in his pocket from the previous evening. His eyes locked onto his bed, seeing a petite figure curled up asleep on top of the covers, their burgundy hair spilled out onto the pillow. He approached, reaching out his hand as he got within reach and gently touching their shoulder to rouse them. Wine-colored eyes blinked open, the light absent from them as they gazed up at his towering form.

"Mitsuru..." he breathed, a slight question in his voice. "What are you--?"

He didn't get to finish, for she reached up and pulled him down into a close embrace, burying her face in his shoulder. He had to catch himself on his mattress, his hands pressed into the duvet behind her.

"Where were you?" she asked, sobs breaking her muffled voice.

"I was sleeping in the hallway," he replied gruffly. "Didn't you see me?"

"No."

She squeezed him down closer, her arms tightening around his chest. His lungs protested and he let out a single wheezing cough, just as his balance failed and he fell. He landed prone on the bed on top of her, his legs hanging off the bed. He grunted and tried to push himself up, but she just hugged him tighter.

"Misturu--" He coughed again, trying to wrench himself free without hurting her. "I can't breathe."

As if coming to her senses at those words, she released him immediately, which allowed him to roll to the side onto his back. She pulled herself away from him a bit, sitting close to the edge of the bed with her legs drawn up to her chest. On his back, Shinjiro brought in huffing breaths, his hand clutching at his chest.

"My apologies, Shinjiro," she murmured. "I... I don't know what..."

"Just what the fuck was that about?" he spat back, his tone sounding harsher than he intended as he tried to catch his breath.

"I'm not... I'm not entirely certain..." She rested her arms around her knees, drawing them closer to her chest.

"Then what the hell were you doing in here?"

"I intended to speak with you... I needed to talk to you... but you weren't in here..."

"I was in the hallway, apparently."

"I didn't see you, I suppose..."

He turned his head toward her, trying to see her face through the hair that draped over her face. She appeared sullen and exhausted, as if she hadn't slept the previous night, for obvious reasons. His eyes lowered in sympathy and guilt automatically, an unfortunate reflex that gave him full view of her upper thighs and part of her underwear from her drawn-up skirt. His head turned away immediately, a slight tinge of blush to his cheeks. He sat up, a hand drawing his beanie down over his eyes slightly, keeping his gaze away from her.

"So what did you need to talk to me about?" he asked, his voice shaking slightly.

"...the dissolution of SEES," she breathed, lowering her head down against her knees.

"You needed to be in my bed for that?"

"My apologies... you weren't here and I sat down... I don't even recall falling asleep."

Shinjiro sighed, stealing a glace at her, only getting a view of her disheveled hair spilling across her shoulders and mostly-bare legs. He swallowed the lump in his throat and turned away again, his heart pounding uncomfortably fast in his chest.

"Well I thought SEES was already done with anyway," he replied, trying to keep his voice somewhat normal.

"Last night, after we left this building, we decided it wouldn't be dissolved until the Dark Hour was eliminated, however..."

Her voice trailed off and she hugged her knees ever-tighter. He let his eyes linger on her again, his eyebrows furrowing in sympathy. There was no need for her sentence to finish for him to catch her meaning.

"You're not our leader, Mitsuru," he breathed. "Minato is."

"Don't be foolish, Shinjiro. He's in no shape to lead right now, and neither am I. The Specialized Extracurricular Execution Squad is done."

Shinjiro gritted his teeth, holding his hand against his lowered beanie.

_So... that's what it is._

"If it's just temporary," he said, sighing. "I can fill in for you two while you work out your issues."

She looked up at him suddenly, her eyes wide and brimming with tears.

"No, Shinjiro, you don't have to do that, you can't do that, not in your condition--"

"Mitsuru." He pulled his hands from his coat pockets and reached toward her shoulders, holding them steady as he stared sternly into her eyes. "They need a leader right now, or they'll completely fall apart. Even moreso if you dissolve the group now."

"But Shinjiro--"

"Don't 'but Shinjiro' me. I told Minato once that if the burden of leadership got to be too much that I would take over, and since it obviously has, that's what I'm gonna do."

"Shinjiro... your health..."

"Don't worry about that."

She lowered her head again, burying her face in her knees.

"I just don't want... I don't want you to push yourself too hard..."

"Kinda too late for that."

"Don't talk like that."

"Why not? It's true." He pulled away and rested his arms against his thighs, staring off at the far wall where his wardrobe stood. "I'm basically a walking corpse, and it's only a matter of time before--"

"DON'T TALK LIKE THAT!"

He jumped slightly, his head whipping to stare down into her face. She'd punched both fists into the mattress, tears flowing down her face, her mouth twisted into a pained grimace.

"...sorry," Shinjiro replied hesitantly, holding his hands up slightly. His eyes darted away from her, narrowing in regret. "I thought it would just be worse to lie to you right now, I didn't mean to upset you."

"No, Shinjiro..." She rolled forward a bit onto her knees, crawling over to get in his face, causing him to lean back a bit. "That's what I want you to do."

"What."

"Lie to me. Tell me you're okay, and that you're not going to die."

He didn't reply, his pulse pounding so hard in his ears that he could barely hear her voice. He caught faint hints of a honey scent, most likely her shampoo, and he was hyperaware of her eyes locked onto his. His body felt locked in place, to the point that he couldn't move away even as she moved closer.

"Lie to me, Shinjiro," she repeated.

He swallowed again, his eyes traveling down the soft contours of her face and lingering on her stern, yet soft, mouth.

"I'm--" he started, but couldn't finish.

Before he could stop himself, he leaned forward and kissed her, trapping her lips under his own. He felt her take in a sharp breath and try to pull away slightly, but he leaned forward more, grasping her face with both hands to hold her firm. He worked his lips down against hers, gently at first, but grew more rough as he felt his self-control slipping even further. He grunted as her arms suddenly wrapped around his back, and the leverage she had from kneeling on the bed allowed her to bowl him over onto his back again.

The sudden movement caused him to deepen the kiss more, his hand holding the back of her head as he slid his tongue along hers. His heartbeat pounded in his ears at a deafening volume, the entire room turning surreal as he lost himself in the electricity of the kiss. The kiss intensified quickly, and Mitsuru pulled herself away just enough to catch her breath.

"Shinjiro..." she breathed, her eyes staring down into his as they fluttered open.

He froze, his mind suddenly shocked back into reality by her voice.

_Shit._

He pressed his hands against her shoulders and pushed her away, just enough to roll out from under her and to his feet.

_Shit shit shit._

"Shinjiro?" she questioned, looking up at him with eyes muddied with confusion and sadness, framed by her disheveled hair.

"S-Sorry," he stammered in reply, stumbling back slightly as his heartrate increased, panic rising in his chest. "I wasn't... I mean..." He clutched at his chest, feeling the sweat bead on his forehead.

"Shinjiro...?"

"I-I... I gotta go."

He turned on his heel and left the room, slamming the door shut behind him. He stumbled down the hallway a bit to the stairs, leaning all his weight on the railing as he started to descend as quickly as possible without falling down them.

* * *

One train ride and several doses of Suppressants later found Shinjiro at Port Island Station, standing just outside the entrance to the alleyway he dreaded. He leaned with one forearm pressed into the wall, catching his breath the best he could, his racing heart threatening to make him black out, or worse.

_Just... what the fuck was I..._

He stared at his free hand, the entire appendage trembling, shaking violently with a tremor he hadn't quite noticed before, at least not this intense. The feeling was familiar, but also foreign, absent of the usual cause: Castor going berserk.

He looked up toward the stairs that led down to his purgatory and swallowed hard, his mouth dry from panting so much. He took a step forward and his head spun, and his world went black.

* * *

"Shinji... hey, Shinji."

Shinjiro opened his eyes, staring up at a red-vested boy around his age, staring down at him from beside his desk. He groaned and sat up, rubbing his eyes as his groggy mind tried to process what he was seeing.

"Aki...?"

"What's with that? You look half-dead."

"Well maybe I am."

"Don't joke like that, we're only in our first year of high school, we've got our whole lives ahead of us!"

Shinjiro didn't reply, just stared at his friend, several years younger than he'd remembered, or, rather, he'd been when he'd last had any life in him at all. Behind him, though slightly blurred to Shinjiro's vision, was their classroom from when they were still first years.

"You don't know that," he muttered finally, letting his head fall back onto his desk.

"Hey! Don't fall asleep on me again!" Akihiko punched Shinjiro's shoulder, and hard, probably harder than he meant to, but it only succeeded in getting Shinjiro to groan slightly. "You have shit to do!"

"Like what...?" Shinjiro growled, his body feeling heavier and more numb as he felt sleep overtaking him again.

"You know what."

The sudden change in Akihiko's tone caused Shinjiro to raise his head again, the scene of their first year classroom suddenly shifting to the roof, and Akihiko's face aged to how he appeared a few months prior. To before he jumped in front of Takaya's gun.

"You're dead, Aki," Shinjiro said quietly, leaning against the fence that he sat against.

"I'm only dead when you forget about me," Akihiko replied cheekily, standing above Shinjiro with his uniform jacket draped over one shoulder.

"Of course you'd say that," Shinjiro growled, pulling his beanie down against his eyes.

"Hey hey hey, don't wall me off yet."

Shinjiro simply grunted in reply.

"You need to get your stubborn ass up and move forward," Akihiko continued, nudging Shinjiro's leg with his shoe. "Do you really think the group can handle another sudden death this soon?"

"It's not so sudden in my case," he muttered back.

"Shinji!"

"Tch."

Akihiko's face hardened and he strode forward two paces. He hooked his hand under Shinjiro's arm and pulled him to his feet with surprising ease, considering how heavy his body felt to himself.

"You're a lot stronger than you think, Shinji, and nothing good will come of you giving up like this. You know this."

"That's bullshit, especially after what just happened."

"I don't really blame you for it, though."

"Of course you don't, you've been in love with her since you met her. Which makes this a lot worse."

"You know that doesn't matter."

"Tch."

With a long sigh, Akihiko dropped Shinjiro's arm and stepped back, leaving Shinjiro to lean back against the fence. He tossed his jacket on a nearby bench, then faced Shinjiro again.

"Look, I'm not going to pretend to know why you did what you did, or why you're still doing this to yourself." He motioned to Shinjiro's hand, where a bottle of pills had appeared as if from nowhere. "And I'm definitely not going to pretend that you shouldn't be upset about what happened to me. But that's over, it's done with, and you can't run away from everyone again. Not now."

"I just make everything worse."

"That's not true."

"Shut up."

"Shinji... you know you're the only one left for them to look to. Don't take that away from them."

"They're better off without looking up to someone like me."

"Why? Just because you kissed Mitsuru while she was on your bed?!"

"It probably would've been more than that if I hadn't stopped myself!"

"That's still no reason to abandon everyone. And you know it's not worth it."

"Tch."

Shinjiro turned his face away, sinking down farther against the fence. Akihiko clenched his jaw and stepped forward a bit, to just less than arm's length from Shinjiro.

"Yknow, Shinji, you were always telling me this, but now it's my turn..."

He pulled his arm back slowly, almost agonizingly slow, and swung.

"YOU IDIOT!" he yelled, his face flashing into Castor's likeness before the punch impacted his chest, and the scene vanished.

* * *

Shinjiro opened his eyes suddenly to a metallic ceiling, a cacophony of voices and beeps echoing loudly against his ears. His head swam and stomach lurged, frothy blood spilling out onto the floor as he vomited to the side and off the cot where his aching body lay.

"Start prepping him now!" a male voice shouted authoritavely over the chaos. "He won't make it if we don't operate and stop this bleeding."

"His body temperature is 34.7 Celsius and falling!" a female voice shouted out from his left.

"I don't care! Start the prep work!"

Shinjiro writhed as a needle pierced the skin on the back of one of his hands, one of the repeating beeps intensifying in frequency. Hands landed on his arms and shoulders from multiple directions, holding him against the cot as a hollowed out plastic object was pressed down against his nose and mouth. He squirmed against it, unable to keep from breathing in air that smelled and tasted like a hospital. The small metallic room turned iridescent and dim at the edges before his world once again went black.

* * *

Once again, Shinjiro awoke to the bright white of a hospital, the irritating beeping at his bedside heart monitor managing to rouse him enough to groan and try to roll over. He couldn't, of course, his aching body so heavy he could only move his head slightly. This gave his sleepy eyes a view of a figure sitting by his bed, the most striking feature being a bright red vest on their torso.

"Dammit," he rasped, closing his eyes and gritting his teeth.

"Hey, that's not a very nice greeting," Akihiko grinned, the smile reflected in his voice so clearly that Shinjiro didn't have to open his eyes to see it.

"Go away," Shinjiro growled, leaning his head away the best he could, trying to will sleep to take him again.

"I'm not going anywhere." Akihiko leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees. "You know you can't get rid of me that easily."

"But you're dead. You're about as gotten rid of as possible."

"I'm still here, though, aren't I?"

"Shut up."

Akihiko sighed, dropping his gaze to the ground. He squeezed one hand over the other, the leather of his gloves creaking.

"I wouldn't be here if you didn't need me here, Shinji," he said quietly. "You fell asleep in front of my door because you didn't know how help the others... didn't you?"

Shinjiro didn't reply.

"If I was in your position," he continued, "I'd gather everyone together and give them a good old-fashioned pep talk."

"And what about Mitsuru?" Shinjiro mumbled.

"Well, I can't say I would do what you did, since she probably wouldn't let me. I'd probably just leave her alone and let her figure things out on her own, but still support her when she needed it."

"How?"

"Listening to her, letting her talk things out. Just by making sure she's not alone, since that's probably how she feels right now."

"So I fucked that up."

"Not necessarily. Neither of you is really in a good place right now, so you shouldn't beat yourself up."

"Tch. That's funny."

"I know, I know."

Shinjiro let out a long breath, hanging his head slightly.

"...I can't give them a pep talk, Aki."

"No, you probably can't. I'd imagine you'd just yell at them and call them idiots."

"Probably."

"But someone else could if you give them a push."

"Like who?"

"I dunno. Maybe someone who already changed someone's mind about something." He smirked then, a cheeky expression that reflected the slight mischievous tone to his voice.

"Aki..."

"What?"

Shinjiro sighed, sitting up slightly with a groan.

"Fine, I'll ask him if he can do something."

"That's a start."

Shinjiro narrowed his eyes at him.

"...what do you mean 'a start'?" he growled.

"I don't need to tell you that," Akihiko said with a smile, gesturing with one hand. "You know you have a much larger role to fill than slowly killing yourself in the background."

"You're full of shit."

"Maybe. But I'm also right."

"No, you're also an idiot."

Akihiko chuckled, gaining a cold stare from Shinjiro.

"What's with the scary face?" Akihiko asked lightly.

"Nothing," Shinjiro retorted, turning his head away. "You just seem a lot more relaxed, almost like when we were kids."

"Maybe you're right."

Akihiko stood, slinging his coat over his shoulder. Shinjiro didn't remember seeing the coat before this moment.

"That said," he continued, still smiling. "Maybe that's just how you'd rather remember me."

Shinjiro's eyes widened, and he felt his jaw tremble a bit as he tried to retort. He lowered his face, letting his fringe shadow his eyes as he gritted his teeth together again.

"Just go away..." he grumbled. "I'm exhausted."

Akihiko stared at him for a moment, then shrugged. He turned and walked toward the door, pausing before exiting to look behind him.

"Kay, I'll see you around," he said, then left the room, replaced by the incessant beeping that was probably the only true noise in the room this entire time.

Shinjiro gripped the sheet that covered his legs, his arms shaking. He had no urge to cough, the IV that was taped to one hand probably supplying a steady liquid supply of his treatment regimen. Nonetheless, his chest burned and nausea had conquered his stomach, and for some reason his eyes burned and stung. He brought his forearm up to his eyes and pressed it against them, taking in a sharp breath.

_This would be the perfect opportunity, but I can't let him... Not in a hospital..._

"Senpai?"

Shinjiro froze.

"Huh?" he replied on reflex, his voice sounding much more hoarse than when he was talking to that ghost of a memory.

"Senpai, are you..." The person's voice trailed off, and the sound of footsteps approaching the bed cautiously reached his ears.

"Is that you, Junpei?" he asked, still not removing his arm from his eyes, well-aware of a sharp dampness against his eyelids.

"Yeah," Junpei confirmed, the chair by the cot creaking as he sat in it. "I was visiting Chidori down the hall, left to get a soda, and overheared the docs saying you were ready to wake up, so I decided to pop in."

"How'd Chidori doing?" he asked without thinking, his voice cracking on a few syllables.

"She's doing better. They have her on the same things you're on, but her situation is different, so it's not working as well..."

Shinjiro pulled his arm away slightly, just enough to see Junpei hang his head down slightly through damp eyes.

"Sorry," Shinjiro muttered, rubbing his eyes quickly and letting his arm fall to his side on the bed.

There was a marked silence, which only lasted a few moments before Junpei broke it.

"You know, senpai," he said, lifting his face a bit to reveal a sad smile. "If you didn't want me to see you cry, you could've just kicked me out."

"I wasn't crying," Shinjiro growled, closing his wet eyes and leaning against the pillows.

"I walk in on Chidori crying and then pretending she wasn't all the time," Junpei replied. "You can't fool me."

"Whatever."

"Look, if you don't want me to tell anyone, I won't. And it's not like I blame you for it, either, you seem like you're about to explode or something."

Shinjiro simply grunted in reply, opening reddened eyes to the corner of the room farthest from himself and Junpei.

"So, this time," Junpei continued, his voice lower and more serious than usual. "Was this an accident?"

"What do you mean?" Shinjiro retorted.

"I mean, did you overdose on those things on purpose?"

Shinjiro turned his gaze on Junpei, who stared at him with such focus that he felt as if Mitsuru had possessed him. Shinjiro flexed his jaw and shifted his weight in the bed a bit, wincing as his sore ab muscles twinged.

"It's not what you think," he replied finally. "I just panicked, that's all."

"Is that true?"

"I'm not Chidori."

Junpei didn't reply, but kept that stare on Shinjiro, who averted his eyes slightly toward the door. He mulled over the conversation he had with the apparition that had left through it, a conversation that was most likely with himself. He let out a breath as a key part of it echoed in his mind.

_"Maybe someone who already changed someone's mind about something."_

"Hey," he grunted, barely loud enough to get Junpei's attention.

"What?" Junpei asked in reply.

Shinjiro took in a breath, then let it out in a long sigh.

"I need you to do me a favor."


	8. Burgundy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something goes terribly wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Confession time: I wrote the bulk of this chapter well over a year ago, but some personal issues combined with how hard this chapter was on me prevented it from being completed until now. So, I apologize for the long wait, here's some smut

A week passed before Shinjiro was "allowed" to leave the hospital. Whether he denied it or not, the powers that be saw it as a suicide attempt, and the watch had ended the day before. He wandered into the dorm, just in time to see Yukari, Minato, and Aegis scaling the stairs.

"Greetings," Aegis called back, she and the other two pausing on the stairs as Shinjiro approached.

"Hey," Shinjiro replied gruffly. "Bit early for bed, ain't it?"

Yukari smiled a bit sadly, then pointed up the stairs.

"Stupei said he had something important to show us in the command room, so we're all meeting up there," she explained, gaining a confirming nod from Aegis.

"Yes, Junpei-san has indeed summoned us to the command room, but he would not state the purpose." She brought her hand to her face, the robotic movement looking almost exaggerated. "Could he have brought us cake?"

"You think about food too much," Yukari laughed. "Especially for a robot."

"I hope it's pie," Minato chimed in, his expression never changing.

"Not you, too," Yukari groaned.

"Well, I'll leave you guys to it," Shinjiro said, pushing past them toward the second floor.

"You're not coming?" Minato asked, a dejected tone in his voice.

"Wasn't invited," Shinjiro replied simply, not pausing as he climbed toward his floor.

He stepped off at the landing, the other three continuing up behind him as he made his way toward his room. Instead of the empty hallway he expected, however, he found someone standing in front of his door.

"Mitsuru," he almost growled, rubbing his eyes as the memory of their last encounter flashed involuntarily through his mind. "What are you doing?"

As if to the sound of his voice, she turned to him, her eyes slightly red around the edges of her lashes. She rubbed at them quickly, averting her gaze just as quickly as she met his.

"My apologies, Shinjiro," she murmured, crossing her arms to hold them close to her chest. "I was just on my way to my room."

"Bullshit," he huffed, brushing past her into his room.

Upon closing the door, he glanced back, swallowing thickly. He didn't hear her footsteps moving in any direction, but the fatigue weighing down his body won out over any decision to go back out and... and...

_And what?_

He shook his head, letting out a shaky breath. He plopped onto the bed and closed his eyes, hoping sleep would be quick.

* * *

"Shinjiro," Mitsuru said curtly, though all the strength was missing from her voice. "I would just rather be alone right now."

She stood facing her door, arms crossed and stance defiant, though she wouldn't look at him. The noises of the others playing a party game downstairs echoed mutedly up the stairway, a reminder of five minutes prior, when Shinjiro had followed her quiet exit from the bright and happy smiles of her underclassmen. He'd skipped out on their meeting, but whatever Junpei had said to them, it _worked_.

"You've been saying that for an entire week," Shinjiro retorted, narrowing his eyes at her back.

"You must understand why I need the alone time."

"It's not healthy."

"You're certainly one to talk. When something this traumatic happened with you, you left without saying a single word to any of us. How is this any different?"

"You brought me back."

"Is this you repaying a favor, then?"

"Something like that. But it's also because you need it. You're not me, Mitsuru, you know that, and you throwing yourself into a hole ain't gonna fix shit. This team needs its figurehead back, since it's obvious no one can replace you."

"There's not much of a purpose to SEES at this point, Shinjiro. You saw what happened."

"Strega is still out there, Mitsuru."

"No, they're--"

"They're alive. I saw them."

"Did they see you?"

"Dunno."

She stepped away from her door and stared up at him, the threat of tears brimming in her eyes.

"Shinjiro..." Her voice trailed off.

"What."

"I'm... scared."

"I know."

"I would rather the others not see me this way, but I also don't want to be alone like this. It's pathetic, really, but would it be all right if you sat with me for awhile?"

Shinjiro's eyes widened, his voice catching in his throat as the realization hit him: she was inviting him into her dorm room. He took a step back and turned his face away, if only to hide the blush that had found its way to his cheeks.

"What do you mean by sit with you?" he asked, if only to stall for time.

"I have a couple of sofas in my room. We can sit on them and talk if you like, or just sit quietly. I just... really need someone near me right now."

"Why not Takeba?"

"She's... I'm afraid she's too shaken up by what the Chairman did to have a civilized talk with me... I'm also certain she's still angry with me..."

Shinjiro looked up to her face, seeing her downtrodden, her eyes at the floor. The tears looked ready to fall at any moment, and her voice betrayed that as well. He sighed.

"Alright," he breathed, stepping forward to stand beside her at the door. "I'll stay with you."

"Thank you, Shinjiro."

* * *

Mitsuru sat poised on one sofa while Shinjiro slouched uncomfortably in the other, the posh and ritzy feel of the room suffocating. They sat in silence for a few minutes, only broken when Mitsuru had to take a phone call and speak hurriedly for half a minute. As she hung up, she turned the device off and placed it on the coffee table, then crossed her arms and lowered her head. He kept his eyes on her, his heartrate increasing at a worrying rate, to which he gritted his teeth as if to stave it off.

"Are you too chilled to remove your coat?" she asked suddenly, causing him to jump.

"No," he said, trying to hide the nervousness in his voice. "It's just more of a habit to wear it at this point."

Mitsuru stood up suddenly and crossed over to stand in front of him, leaning over him before he could react. Her hands found the buttons on his jacket and he flinched, swinging his arm out and catching her wrist.

"What are you doing?" he asked, his voice shaking.

"I'm taking your coat," she stated in monotone.

"I can take off my own damn coat, Mitsuru," he growled, averting his eyes away from her, especially since her posture at the moment gave him an ample view of her chest. He took his hand away from her arm and started fiddling with the buttons on his coat, barely getting one undone before Mitsuru's hands closed around his own.

"Your hands are shaking, Shinjiro," she said softly.

His eyes widened and darted to his hands, that slight tremor he'd grown accustomed to as of late now seeming much worse since she called attention to it. He sighed and pulled his hands away from hers, stuffing them back in his pockets.

"It happens," he mumbled, turning his face away.

"Was it caused by the drugs you were taking?" Her voice was gentle and breaking in places.

He moved his eyes to look at her from the side, then faced her fully with wide eyes. Tears streamed down her cheeks, partly hidden by her hair, and he found himself leaning up away from the back of the couch a bit.

"Mitsuru..." he breathed, his hand moving out to caress her face, his thumb wiping one of the tears away.

"I realize now... just why you were taking them so often after Akihiko d-... died..." She wrapped her hand around the back of the one that held her face, her eyes closing as more tears fell from them. "I wanted Akihiko to live... I wanted my father to live... and I-I..." She clenched her teeth, then opened her eyes with a glare in them, and he leaned back a bit more, but her grip tightened on his hand and didn't let him remove it. "And I want you to live as well, I can't bear to lose anyone else!"

"I-I can't replace them, Mitsuru," he said quietly, closing his eyes against her gaze. "I can't be your father, and I sure as hell can't be Aki."

"I don't mean that at all," she retorted, leaning over him more to the point he could feel her breath on his face. "Losing Akihiko was horrible enough, but if we lose you as well... I don't know what we'll do... or what I'll do from there..."

"You're giving me way too much credit."

"I'm doing no such thing! I'm well aware you don't see it, but, Shinjiro... you and Akihiko shared a strength that I'm lacking, and it's that strength that gave you the ability to bring the others back to their senses."

"They did that on their own, I just annoyed them about it." He kept his gaze away from her. "Junpei's the one who..."

"That's it, though." She pounced forward suddenly, catching her arms on his neck, leaning down onto his chest and left shoulder. He grunted in response, his eyes wide and unseeing at the opposing wall as she leaned down onto him, hyperaware that she was straddling one of his legs. "You had the initiative to do that, when I was unable to. You put aside your own pain to help the others, when I was unable to. And you..." She pulled back her face, just enough to stare down into his face.

"Mitsuru...?" he murmured, his breathing growing quite shallow.

"And you agreed to sit here with me and listen to me complain, even though it makes you uncomfortable." She hugged his neck tighter, leaning her forehead against his cheek. "Thank you."

He didn't reply, but not out of choice; as he opened his mouth to speak, his jaw trembled too much to form a word. Instead, he leaned his head against hers and brought his hands from his pockets, slowly sliding his hands against her back before pulling her down into a close and tight embrace. She sobbed quietly into his shoulder, and the sound made him hold her even tighter, burying his face into her hair.

After several long minutes of her soft crying, she pulled her face away from his shoulder. Her arms stayed wrapped around his neck, her glistening eyes locking onto his, slightly obscured by his fringe and beanie. They both froze at first, sitting in that awkward embrace with her balancing on his leg. Then, as if rehearsed, they both moved in unison, both hesitant, drawing their faces closer until their lips met.

The intensity was immediate, heat and electricity rushing through him at once, and his mind broke away from reality. It must have hit her as well, for she pressed herself down against his leg and torso with great force, pushing him down into the plush sofa. She climbed up onto him, straddling him fully this time, his breath escaping in a gasp as her mouth found his again. He grabbed at her lower back, reaching his other hand up to grab her face, leaning up into the kiss.  
They separated for a brief moment, her eyes looking down into his, her hips poised at the perfect teasing angle against his own.

"Perhaps we shouldn't..." she said, a breathless rasp in her voice.

"Doesn't matter," he replied, moving up to rake his teeth on her neck.

"But-- ah!-- your health..." she gasped, her hands grasping at the back of his neck.

"I'm fine," he said huskily, his hands grabbing at her hips to pull them down closer. "I'll let you know if I'm not."

"Liar," she breathed, making no move to stop him as one of his hands wandered under her skirt.

"Probably." His hand ran up her thigh, ending with two fingers sliding into her panties. "But this isn't about me right now." He pressed his fingers gently onto her clit and rubbed slowly in wide circles, leaning up to breathe against her ear. "Got it?"

She gasped, but didn't reply, instead leaning down into his shoulder and tightening her grip on his neck. She hadn't acknowledged his question, but also wasn't resisting, so he continued. He ran his free hand up her hip and under her shirt, digging blunt nails into her back as he moved. His hand under her skirt slid down her slit, the tip of one finger barely slipping inside her entrance when she flinched. All her muscles in her arms, legs, and pelvis tensed, causing an uncomfortable amount of resistance.

"Relax," he breathed, planting soft kisses on her neck, occasionally biting her skin gently just under the collar of her turtleneck.

"Proceed," she whispered at his ear, her shoulders joining the tension that had frozen her body.

"I can't if you don't relax." He attempted to slide his finger in again, but he had to push with too much force, and she flinched in his arms. "I don't wanna hurt you."

"You won't," she replied, tightening her grip further on his neck and shoulders. "I'll be fine once you just... do it."

"Are you scared?"

She nodded slowly against his shoulder, snuggling down farther into his coat collar. He sighed, pulling his hand away just enough to rest it on her thigh under her skirt. His other hand slid up to her bra under her shirt, slowly, as to not alarm her. He ran his fingers along the band, stopping once he found the hooks.

"Are you scared of me?" he asked, to which she shook her head. "Then what?"

"Fear of the unknown, Shinjiro," she murmured.

He sighed. Of course he'd overlook something so simple.

"Look at me," he said, pulling his face away from her neck, urging her to do the same by leaning back away from where she embraced him. "Do you trust me?"

"Yes," she replied immediately, staring down into his eyes with a touch of uncertainty.

"Here." He moved her hands to his chest, where he had begun to unbutton his coat earlier. "Go ahead."

She nodded once, then delicately unbuttoned his peacoat down to the final button near his crotch. She peeled it down off his shoulders, and he leaned up enough to pull his arms out, and he let it lay on the couch behind him like a throw blanket. Her hands traveled up the front of his sweater, stopping once to feel his heartbeat through his chest. She then drew her arms around his neck again, and he leaned up closer to her face.

"Do you trust me not to hurt you?" he asked carefully, his hand finding the hooks on her bra again.

"...Yes," she replied, much more certainty in her voice this time.

_Well that's one person who does._

"Then just let go," he breathed, bringing his lips close to hers, "and relax."

He unhooked her bra just as their lips brushed together, and his hand found her right breast as he pressed up into the kiss, working his lips against hers with a newfound determination. His hand under her skirt moved between her legs again, slipping under her panties and rubbing her clit again, gently at first, but worked up to a faster pace that caused her breath to hitch and a single moan to vibrate against his mouth. He didn't leave it unnoticed and deepened the kiss, slipping his tongue past her lips and running it along hers, inhaling the moans that left her throat.

This new intensity caused his hand to squeeze against her breast and she flinched again, but he bit down on her bottom lip and squeezed with his hand just a bit harder. Her posture relaxed against him slightly, and he let out a small grunt, moving his other hand swiftly to her entrance again. He tested the waters by pushing one finger, slowly, meeting some resistance but not as much as before. He tried another, but she tensed again.

He pulled away from her lips and slid down on the couch a bit, just far enough to be eye-level with her chest. He slid her shirt up above her breasts with his free hand, also moving her bra out of the way in the process, then leaned up to kiss at her chest, paying close attention to nipping at her breasts and nipples. She moaned quietly, a breathy noise that caused his hips to roll on reflex.

He groaned and bit down on her nipple just as he got another finger inside, and immediately began thrusting them at a steady rhythm, focusing purely on maximizing lubrication and relaxing her enough to get to the next step. He felt a draft on his head, his beanie suddenly not covering his hair, and he shivered involuntarily. His fingers curled inside her, and she moaned rather loudly. He pulled away from her chest enough to look up at her face, her mouth slack and eyes fluttered almost closed, with a slight flush to her cheeks.

_Shit... she's really fuckin cute when she does that..._

He'd had enough. He pulled his fingers out and ripped her shirt and bra from her torso, moving his hand to work on the zipper on the side of her skirt. She returned the favor by pulling his sweater over his head, the sudden chill of the room cutting straight through him. He steeled himself, distracting her from his shiver with another fevered kiss, giving up on the delicate zipper that wouldn't budge with shaking fingers. Instead, he secured both his hands under her thighs and stood up, hoisting her thighs over his hips.

He made his way across the room to her large bed and dumped her onto the sheets,  
pulling the comforter up with him as he climbed on top of her. He draped the comforter over them both, secretly welcoming the warmth, still being sure she was distracted from his discomfort by biting at her neck and collarbone. He slipped his hands up her thighs and grabbed the hem of her panties and ripped them down her legs, throwing them somewhere off the bed.

"I don't suppose you have condoms in here, do you?" he asked a bit pointlessly, a question he knew the answer to already.

"No," she replied, her voice breathless. "But don't worry about using one, I know you're clean, Shinjiro."

"That's not the only problem with this, Miss Valedictorian."

"I take contraceptives, it's alright."

He didn't press the issue further, his mind clouded enough as things were without sex being in the equation. He unfastened his pants and pulled them and his boxers down his thighs, just enough to free his cock from its prison that had been suffocating it ever since she had first touched his coat. He hiked her skirt up closer to her hips to open her legs up more and lined up his hips with hers. He pressed himself inside, his breath hitching as he entered the soft warmth. The head was barely in when a strained moan or gasp escaped her throat, almost as if from pain. He didn't slow down, however, and clamped his hand down over her mouth as the sound increased in volume. Once fully inside, he dropped down near her ear, listening to the tiny, muffled whines escaping her throat.

"Careful, they'll hear you," he rasped, thrusting his hips to punctuate his point. "Having sex with a known delinquent.. not something you'd want getting out... is it?" He found himself grinning against her neck, especially when her voice strained against his hand as she tried to reply to his taunt.

His free hand propped up her hips, pulling them slightly off the bed, though she was already bucking with them up toward him in time to his thrusts. He hummed against her neck in response, then moved the hand under her hips to her clit and pressed down slowly. She whined under his hand, and he pinched it between his fingers once before rubbing down onto it, keeping his rhythm consistent to her moans as to where he focused.

"Shit..." he groaned, biting at her ear. "You're sensitive..."

He picked up speed, both in rubbing her clit and thrusting into her, sweat beading on his cold skin. The hand he had clamped over her mouth moved to grab her hair at the back, gripping a large handful and pulling her face around so he could kiss her again, working his lips down on hers roughly, with hunger.

Her hands suddenly latched onto his back, nails digging into his skin, and she bucked up to him, letting a shrill and airy moaning scream out of her throat and into his shoulder. She clamped down around his cock at the exact same time, convulsions squeezing around him as he kept his pace and increased it. He thrusted down hard and groaned, squeezing his hand around her hair and into the skin on her back, cumming hard inside her. His entire body shook and his vision went white, causing him to collapse onto her as the initial wave passed. He breathed heavily against her ear, as she did the same into his.

His eyes stared into the pillow beside her head, almost unseeing. Her rapid breathing and soft whines as she came down from her orgasm seemed far away, like they were on the other side of the wall and not right by his ear. His own state of breathing was almost a mystery: he could hear his breath in uneven wheezes and the occasional groan, but he couldn't feel the vibrations. He let his eyes slide closed, the heat of her body beneath him comforting, and he almost didn't hear her breathing slow into sleep.  
His eyes opened suddenly, his breathing erratic just as abruptly. He shivered and pulled away from her, pulling himself out as quickly as he could manage as he crawled away with uncharacteristic clumsiness. He stumbled slightly as his feet touched the floor, his head spinning and vision going grey. He collapsed onto the bed on his butt, catching his breath, running his hand down his face, a hand that shook far more than he was used to. His senses slowly came back to him, the room finally in vivid color again after losing it when they'd first kissed.

_What the shit was I..._

He glanced behind him and to the side, seeing a naked and sleeping Mitsuru curled up on the bed. He huffed and tossed the disheveled comforter up to her, covering her up to her shoulders. He stood then, slower and with more care this time, and pulled his pants and boxers back up, fastening them closed. Still lightheaded, he glanced around the room, spotting articles of clothing strewn near the couch, several of which were his own.

_Right... We were..._

He took in a deep breath, staring out at the floor. This breathlessness, this lightheaded fog, was eerily similar to the sensation after his Persona would go out of control, but that clearly wasn't the case. He glanced back at the sleeping Mitsuru once more, then walked away, gathering his clothes and pulling them back on, topping with his beanie and coat. He slipped through the door soon after and headed down the stairs a single floor, marching straight to his own room.

Once inside, he didn't even bother to make it to the bed and collapsed onto the floor in front of his door. He leaned his head and back against the door, pulling his beanie down over his eyes. His chest ached, and nausea crept into his stomach, the type of nausea that preceded his coughing.

And his coughing did appear, causing him to double over into both hands with violent hacking. He pulled his hands away after it passed, dark blood splattered like ink showing on both palms. He swallowed back the metallic taste, then leaned back again, letting his eyes settle on a blank spot on the wall to his side, above his bed.

_So that's how it's gonna be now... Meaningless, pointless fucking.... With the girl who rejected you, Aki..._

A lump formed in his throat and he let his head drop forward to where he was staring toward his outstretched legs. He took a breath, a deep breath, but the hollow feeling wouldn't disappear; it still plagued his chest.

He pulled himself to his feet and dragged himself to his bed, letting his coat fall to the floor while he collapsed onto the mattress face down. He closed his eyes, then let out a shaky sigh as he buried his face in the pillows. The shower would have to wait.

_Whatever, it's something to do._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh yes, it does get worse from here.


End file.
